Tuesday, May 31, 2011


There was one brief period of time during my college life where I stayed in a very dampy, dark studio. Actually, all of the ones I stayed at were dampy and dark, but this one was the worst. In front of it was a trash bin, so I couldn't open the window or even pull up the blinds. So, a lot of nights, I went upstairs to hang around the group of poor Vietnamese college guys who shared a just-a-little-bit-larger studio.

We would cook and have dinner together. Then, a couple of the guys would play Chinese chess. The others would circle around listening to a guy playing the guitar and me singing. At the time, I started to join a Vietnamese band and sang at weddings. So, this was a good chance for me to practice. But, I didn't see it that way. I felt good just hanging around them. Usually, I would get very self-conscious when I was among a group of guys. I was always afraid that they would spot me as being gay. But, with these guys, I was at ease. And, I didn't think they were gay. And they never made me feel like I was gay. It was like a brotherhood thing.

Then, when bed time came, we, around eight of us, would all lay on the floor and slept. There was one guy, specifically, who always pulled me over next to him, had me lay my head on his arm, and we both slept. It was like a normal thing. No one questioned that. He was not gay. He was not at all good looking. But, I really liked him. Did I have a crush on him? Not sure. Maybe. But, he made me feel comforted during the time that I struggled the most about my sexuality.

Then, there was one night, while I was lying on the floor, another guy came over and kissed me quickly right on my lips as if he couldn't resist it. He caught me by surprise. I didn't know how to respond. No one said anything either. He was definitely not gay. But I didn't know why he did it. It wasn't a joke.

Eventually, I moved away. After that, I ran into the guy that held me to sleep several times. Every time, he gave me a big, warm hug and seemed to be happy to see me. I still didn't think he was gay.


Now, I have a loving boyfriend, and I can't put my head on his shoulder every night.


Life is funny sometimes, isn't it?

Sunday, May 22, 2011


Growing up, I often blame society for the way gay people are treated. If only they know what gay people have to go through in life dealing with conflicts, whether internally or externally, maybe society would have a better attitude toward us gay individuals.

But, society, in general, doesn't know. They don't really know about gay people. Therefore, they are scared. People are usually scared when they don't have enough information or knowledge about something they have to deal with. I stopped blaming society. They are ignorant, for the most part; that's why they act the way they act. They don't know better. They need education. They need time to digest something that we have had years to digest and hopefully accept.

But, I do blame those gay individuals who, for some reason, can't stop generalizing gay people and bashing them. If you cannot be respectful toward gay people, how can you expect others to treat gay people, including you, decently?

Isn't that ignorance? Or stupidity?

In my opinion, if you can say "most gays are this...most gays are that...," you must have had so much experience with gay people. And if you say that most gays are sluts, then I can't help but wonder how you got to know so many sluts. If you say most gays are losers, then I can't help but wonder why so many losers gravitate toward you. And if you say that most gays are not into relationsips, then I can't help but wonder that maybe they are just not interested in a relationship with you. And if you say that most gays are negative this, negative that, should you wonder why those gays that are "positive this, positive that" do not cross your path? The list goes on and on...

To my gay friends who bash other gay people, there are plenty of good, nice gay people out there. Maybe, if you would just try to be a little humble, you might meet some good ones. Mirrors are not made to point at others; they are made for each one of us to look at ourselves, to reflect what is us as an individual. Take a careful look at ourselves in them.

To think about it, sometimes we tend to put others down to try to make ourselves feel good, superior to others, to hide our insecurities. We boast; we tell stories; we paint ourselves so gloriously, but we, in fact, know that we are just like a drum that screams loudly but is completely empty inside.

On that note, I now don't think I want to blame the gay gay-bashers for the way gay people are treated either. Maybe, they are just ignorant. Or, maybe, they are just lost and confused. Or, maybe, they are just plain scared.

At the end of the day, let's just live. Let's not blame anyone. If our experiences with gay people have been negative, we should simply take our mirror out and take a long look at ourselves. Then, maybe we can find the answer.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

A whining kid at my pinic

Last Sunday, we had a pinic for our staff and their families. It was a beautiful, sunny day. The part of the park we rented was secluded with a volleyball court and a small pond--very peaceful and romantic.

We had barbecue pork, hot dogs, burgers, among other things. We planned a lot of fun games. Pretty much all of our staff showed up, plus their families. The food was abundant; the games were fun and exciting.

All of us enjoyed the day, very much. Well, I guess not all of us did. There was one kid that whined, and whined, and WHINED...very annoying. The worst part was that he lied, and lied, and LIED about being bullied by some other kids. I guess when kids lie, they often don't know enough to burb up a coherent, believable story. So, what can they do but regurgitate what they saw or heard from other people. They gather bits and pieces of other kids' stories to make their own. Oftentimes, they use the exact words or phrases that have been repeated over, and over, and OVER on the playground. You can't help but know that they made up the stories!

Well, being the party-pooper last Sunday, I just sat under a tree and observed. So, I knew that that kid was not at all bullied. He was just an attention seeker. So, I told him: "Stop whining. It's not becoming of you!" Nah, I didn't say that. That's too gay...LOL. I said, "Shut the hell up or I'll kick your butt! That's how being bullied is!" Nah, I didn't say that either...

Anyway, he kept on whining, and it was annoying...

We had fun, regardless.