Saturday, August 24, 2013

The Swing

It's 8:30 pm.  I am sitting alone on the patio swing that Jim and I assembled a few years back.  The garden lights just lighted up the trees in front of my eyes.  I can't see the back pond anymore, though I can hear the waterfalls and the stupid frogs on my right.  On my left, the cockatiel keeps on whistling.  Sometimes, it would say hello to me.  The sky in front of me is getting darker quickly, leaving just a little brightness above the tree line across the pond.  The climbing rose next to the swing has made it's way to cover the right half of the top of the swing.  If Jim were sitting next to me right now, the roses would touch his face.  But the swing is half empty, just me and three little pillows. 

Tonight, we celebrate two of my sisters' birthdays.  The food was plenty and good.  I didn't really join them.  I took my plate and sat at the stairways to eat by myself.  I was afraid I couldn't hold my tears.  My mom, dad, two sisters, and one brother asked where Jim was.  The others didn't seem to care, as they never seemed to care before.  Multiple thoughts went through my mind:  I love Jim; I miss Jim; I want Jim to share the good food (I specifically requested my niece to make the appetizer that Jim liked; I also requested my mom to make the baby clams that Jim liked); did we make the right decision?; we did the right thing; I want Jim to go to the Gay Pride thing this weekend; I want Jim to rejoin the Gay Dad group; I want Jim to be happy; I worry about Jim; will Jim find time to eat?; will Jim take good care of himself?; I love Jim; I love Jim; I love Jim. 

It's too dark now.  There are more mosquitoes than a few minutes ago.  I'm going inside.  Tonight is the first time I really treasure this swing.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Jim & T: Over :(

So, this is it.  The end of Jim and T.  Five years, and now it's over.  It wasn't a surprise.  We both deep down knew this day would come.  We loved each other; we do and always will.  We both tried hard in our different ways.  But...yes, there's always a BUT, which is more like a BUTT, in life that makes it we are:  Over. 

I pretty much knew what I had to do when Jim blogged about feeling depressed.  A major part of his problem was me.  I couldn't give him what he needed.  After our multiple unwanted break-ups (four?), I am a Pro.  I figured he knew he had to move on but didn't want to hurt me.  I knew I couldn't be selfish and hold him back.  I knew I had to say it first.  I had to suggest the break up.  And Jim agreed.  I guess he wanted to make sure I was ready to minimize hurting me.  Usually, I came to stay at Jim's every other Wednesday, unless there's some schedule problem with K's schedule.  Then I would come the next Wed.  I saw him last Wed.  This week, I wanted to come see Jim again, but he wanted to come see me, instead.  I knew then that he had made his decision.

In a way, I feel a sense of relief.  I love Jim too much to let him fall into a depression.  I don't think he really feels depressed.  He's perfectly willing to adapt to K's schedule to take care of and be with his kids.  He's a good and caring father.  He lives less than ten minutes away from K's house, and he's pretty much there until at least 10 pm every night.  K's schedule is usually his first priority.  Her date nights usually take priority over our planned dates.  I honestly didn't mind because I never wanted to cause him more stress than he already had.  I think what Jim felt was a trap that was difficult for him to get out.  We loved each other very much.  Jim very much wanted me to become his true partner.  He had to settle for what I could give him hoping it would change in the future.  The trap was that he had no certainty nor was he promised any certainty. 

Jim wanted to be able to spend time with his kids (at K's house) and have me there when he gets home.  But if I could just be there every Wednesday, he would have been happier.  How long that would have last, I don't know.  He wanted it all, but he didn't ask much from me.  It's I who couldn't step up the plate.  I have so much on my plate that my best try wasn't enough.  The bottom line is we both tried very hard, and I couldn't and didn't give Jim what he needed.  It's more like I couldn't guarantee that I would give him what he wanted, which was very simple:  a true partner.  I know that if I could give him a glimpse of hope that what he wanted with me would materialize sometimes in the future, he would have stuck with me forever.  However, I could never mislead Jim, or anyone.  I couldn't make empty promises. 

My five years with Jim have given me a serenity in my crazy, hectic life and, most important of all, a forever best friend.  In a way, I am glad that we came to an end.  This was the only way for Jim to find what he really needs and deserves.  Sometimes, the best gift you could offer to the one you love is to free him.  I am very sad, but I know I did the right thing.  I know Jim did the right thing.  I know for sure whoever his future partner is would be very lucky to have Jim.  I wish him the best and will forever be there for him.

It's just...I love him so much...

Sunday, August 4, 2013

No More Chopsticks at Restaurants

My dad heard on the news that the Chinese used some type of bleaching chemicals when they made those chopsticks that we find at the restaurants.  This is not a surprise to any of us.  The Chinese are very notorious for doing things like this.  We have shied away from food imported from China.  Now, chopsticks, too? 

Tonight, my dad wanted to go to a local Vietnamese restaurant.  He rarely or likely never wants to go to a Vietnamese restaurant because he really likes my mom's cooking.  So, when we go out to eat, he mostly wants to go to an American restaurant, like any good steak house.  My sisters recently took my parents on a long trip visiting the Mid-West, where Asian restaurants were rare.  The day they got back, we took them to this Vietnamese restaurant, where the food is ok.  However, because they were craving for Vietnamese food, everything tasted wonderful.  To make the story short, my dad wanted to go back there again, tonight, to everyone's surprise.

About my dad, he's the typical Asian dad.  He rarely talks; but when he does, we don't want to go against his wish...And, yes, Jim, I'm 46, and I'm still afraid of my parents.  He's 80 years old, what's wrong with a little indulgence. dad is more like a dictator.  None of us wants to deal with the after-shock effects...too much headache.

Anyways, when we arrived at the restaurant, my sisters and I pretty much knew that he would not forget about the chopsticks.  Indeed, he didn't.  So, I had to tell the Vietnamese waiter to give us 6 forks.  He looked at me a little funny.  What was funny was we actually had to eat the noodle soup with forks!  It was weird, the whole table of Vietnamese eating noodle soup with forks.  When does that happen?

I know this is a free country and we can eat however we want to.  But this was just odd.  I imagined myself standing back and looking at us.  It was such a funny picture.  My sisters and I couldn't stop laughing.  Of course, my dad didn't notice anything because he has severe hearing loss.  We were more scared to upset him than scared of the chopsticks.  And, yes, Jim...we are all more than 40 years old.  We should get therapy...LOL