me not uptight

My sisters and I just came back home from a long day at work. I am exhausted. I called and talked to Jim for a few minutes before I went home. I miss him already.

He was just here last night. We curled up on the couch a little. It was an improvement on my part, I guess. It was the first time we did that while everyone was at home. Even though my family usually leaves us alone, except for my little nephew, I was afraid someone would walk in on us. It's not only the gay thing, but, in our culture, especially in my family, we keep affection of that nature private, regardless. In my opinion, there are things that should be private or rather are more special in private. I like it more that way. I think it's more romantic; it's something that only the two of us share. And then, when we do it non-privately, suspension can be excitement!

Then, of course, some would think that I'm just plain uptight. I don't think so, though. I'm a lot of time up, always tight, but never uptight! Forget I just said that...LOL.

Father's Day

This Father's Day, we'll celebrate at my house instead of going to a restaurant. We used to celebrate a lot of things at home with home-cooked meals. But, lately, we've all been so busy that we often ended up at some restaurants.

As usual, my brothers' families, all three, will all come. In addition, my oldest sister's-in-law brother's family will also be there. I am not too fond of them. Because I like my oldest sister-in-law, I'll put up with them...grrr! My niece and her husband will also be there. And, hopefully not, my gossipy cousin will come. All of them, except my sister's-in-law brother and his family, my cousin, and my second oldest sister-in-law, know I'm gay. Well, I think my second oldest sister-in-law knows. I told my brother to tell her about it, but I don't know if he did. He probably did. The brother that's just a little older than me also has a wife. She's stupid, so I didn't want her to know. They are now hostilly separated because of her stupidity. So, she won't be there for sure.

Because of these people who don't know about my sexuality, I usually refrained from inviting Jim to these family functions. I had always been afraid that my gossipy, nosy cousin would report to her parents about my boyfriend, which would make my mom feel uncomfortable. She doesn't know that my uncle knows I'm gay. Five, six years ago, my mom was so anxious that my uncle would find out about my sexuality that she stressed herself out to the extreme. I had to convince her to tell him the truth to relieve the stress. The now banned, soon to be ex-sister-in-law was also a threat. She has a blabber mouth , and, coupled with her stupidity, I would be out to the whole world.

Now, I think my mom is much more comfortable and at ease with Jim. I know she would be comfortable if my cousin and the stranger family are not around. But, I pretty much know they will be here. So, should I invite Jim anyway?

Actually, I already invited him before I started this post. I have a feeling my mom will be ok. I will test the water. So, heck with the cousin. Heck with my sister's-in-law brother and his family. Heck with the sister-in-law who might not know I'm gay.

Of course, Jim will have to behave and not pat my butt, kiss my cheek, or...until they are gone. One step at a time!

What a Curse!!!

I love nature. There are just so many beautiful things around us, at every turn we make. Sometimes, it's obvious; sometimes, we just need to take a little effort and look for them. But, oftentimes, we just ignore them.

Our lives are usually so busy. We are often so preoccupied with worries, stress, work, etc., that all we can do is to take a ride on a continuous train of routines. And if we're lucky enough, once in a while, we can take a second to inhale a little fresh air or let out a heavy sigh.

I myself work very hard, sometimes not by choice. From the time I get into the office at 8:30am until, most of the time, 6:30pm, I usually work straight with only a ten minute break for lunch. One of the things that keep me going are the little kids that come into the clinic. They are usually so adorable. And when they hug me or get excited when I come into the room, my fatigue just melts away.

At home, I usually just like to be a couch potato, watching re-runs. But, my house has a huge yard, more than two acres. And I want a nice yard. Therefore, I have to spend a lot of time to make it beautiful. I have tried a number of landscapers to help me, but they have all been very irresponsible. They didn't care. They always messed up one thing or another. And if I have to show them every step of the way, I might as well do it myself. So, my mom and I have planted ourselves a lot of plants and flowers throughout last year and so far this year. The yard starts to look nice now, but we still have a lot to do. My goal is to finish it by this fall. I want my yard to have flowers at all times. But I want most of them to be perenials so that I won't have to re-plant anything next year.

I love flowers, flowers in the garden that is. The colors just bring life and energy to the surroundings. They remind me of the positive things in lives. They encourage me to be positive as much as possible. They give me hope. They encourage me to make the best of every situation...at least, most of the time.

They remind me to take an effort to look for the beautiful things God gives us in our lives. These pictures were taken in our garden. At first glance, I could only see the bare trees. But when I looked more carefully, there were the birds. How beautiful! In the cold winter, such tiny creatures can bring us joy. Look at the purple flowers. If you walk in the garden, you probably won't even notice that they are there because they are actually very tiny. But, when you take the effort to bend down and appreciate them, they are as beautiful as the larger iris. Size does not always matter. How about the yellow flowers with the greenish buds and red stems. They don't bloom often, but
when they come out, they are magnificent. They are tropical flowers. They don't fit in in this climate, but they are confident and proud. Then, there are the Canada geese that occupy the
pond behind my house. They are animals. I'm not sure how much they can think, but they are

loyal. They are monogamous. That's nature beauty, isn't it?

There are so many beautiful things around us. I think we should take advantage of them to make our lives happier. I think we should take the postitive things in our lives to help ourselves be happier. I think we should think more positively in regard to every situation we face in our daily lives to enable us to be more at peace with our lives. I think we should inhale the positives of life and exhale the negatives of life.

Life is already so difficult. Being negative won't help. Of course, it's easier said than done. But, we need to try.

Beauty is there if we appreciate it. Happiness is there if we look for it. Comfort is there if we seek it. Loyalty is there if we treasure it. Sorrow will also be there if we dwell on it.

With that said, it looks like I'm going to have to spend the rest of the hot, humid summer working in the garden.

What a curse!!!

:)

I am hiding behind the bush

Double click on the image to see me in the far background.

Weddings! I've gone to so many weddings. I used to sing for a Vietnamese wedding band when I was still in Med school. It was a fun time. Pretty much every Sat. and Sun., the band would pack up and drive to one of the few Chinese restaurants in town to sing at weddings. Sometimes, we didn't get home until 2-3am. After a while, I was sick of ginger lobster. At every wedding, there were the same types of food, over and over again.

However, singing was a good outlet for me during the time when I struggled the most about my sexuality. Every direction I turned, I saw couples seemingly in love, people holding hands, people exchanging soft kisses and endearing looks. And these weddings that I attended...how could there have been such unfairness? Was God watching over me?

I was feeling guilty for being gay. I was feeling hopeless that I would never be loved by nor could show love to another man because coming out of the closet was never an option. There were a lot of girls pursuing me, but, little did they know, they were just barking at the wrong tree. The more polite I was to them, the worse they clinged to me. Your brothers, not you, silly women!!!

Anyways, every time I attended a wedding, my heart just sank...yes, it sank to the bottom. I felt hopeless; I felt lonely...to the extreme; I felt a tingling sensation taking over my body; I felt like a corpse without blood but tears running through the very core of my soul. But, I still sang. I sang my heart out at every wedding. I was in a different world when I sang. I focused on the meaning of the lyrics. I temporarily forgot the reality. I was in a brief moment of peace. I was in a world of pretend happiness. I always ended with a very big smile after each songs. But, as soon as the applauds ended, reality set in. I went home with much sorrow. Then, the following week, I did it again, and again for about three years.

Years have passed, and I have gone through much tears of sorrow, hopelessness, lovelessness. Actually, I couldn't cry for so many years. I felt like crying inside, but no tears came out. It was like I was so numb and frozen that I no longer had tears. I prayed, and I prayed for just a little happiness. Then, God granted me a life changing experience which nearly destroyed me. But, I survived it. I believed in God, and God had guided me. I came out. Yes, I came out to my family and some friends. My life changed. I became happier and happier. God helped me to allow myself to have happiness.

Last weekend, I attended my nephew's wedding in California. Though I didn't sing, I no longer felt sad. I didn't have to hide behind my songs. I was happy. I was happy for myself. I thanked God that I now have love. I have a man, whom I love very much, who very much loves me.

He's Jim.

???

There was one brief period of time during my college life where I stayed in a very dampy, dark studio. Actually, all of the ones I stayed at were dampy and dark, but this one was the worst. In front of it was a trash bin, so I couldn't open the window or even pull up the blinds. So, a lot of nights, I went upstairs to hang around the group of poor Vietnamese college guys who shared a just-a-little-bit-larger studio.

We would cook and have dinner together. Then, a couple of the guys would play Chinese chess. The others would circle around listening to a guy playing the guitar and me singing. At the time, I started to join a Vietnamese band and sang at weddings. So, this was a good chance for me to practice. But, I didn't see it that way. I felt good just hanging around them. Usually, I would get very self-conscious when I was among a group of guys. I was always afraid that they would spot me as being gay. But, with these guys, I was at ease. And, I didn't think they were gay. And they never made me feel like I was gay. It was like a brotherhood thing.

Then, when bed time came, we, around eight of us, would all lay on the floor and slept. There was one guy, specifically, who always pulled me over next to him, had me lay my head on his arm, and we both slept. It was like a normal thing. No one questioned that. He was not gay. He was not at all good looking. But, I really liked him. Did I have a crush on him? Not sure. Maybe. But, he made me feel comforted during the time that I struggled the most about my sexuality.

Then, there was one night, while I was lying on the floor, another guy came over and kissed me quickly right on my lips as if he couldn't resist it. He caught me by surprise. I didn't know how to respond. No one said anything either. He was definitely not gay. But I didn't know why he did it. It wasn't a joke.

Eventually, I moved away. After that, I ran into the guy that held me to sleep several times. Every time, he gave me a big, warm hug and seemed to be happy to see me. I still didn't think he was gay.

...

Now, I have a loving boyfriend, and I can't put my head on his shoulder every night.

...

Life is funny sometimes, isn't it?

Gays--Good/Bad

Growing up, I often blame society for the way gay people are treated. If only they know what gay people have to go through in life dealing with conflicts, whether internally or externally, maybe society would have a better attitude toward us gay individuals.

But, society, in general, doesn't know. They don't really know about gay people. Therefore, they are scared. People are usually scared when they don't have enough information or knowledge about something they have to deal with. I stopped blaming society. They are ignorant, for the most part; that's why they act the way they act. They don't know better. They need education. They need time to digest something that we have had years to digest and hopefully accept.

But, I do blame those gay individuals who, for some reason, can't stop generalizing gay people and bashing them. If you cannot be respectful toward gay people, how can you expect others to treat gay people, including you, decently?

Isn't that ignorance? Or stupidity?

In my opinion, if you can say "most gays are this...most gays are that...," you must have had so much experience with gay people. And if you say that most gays are sluts, then I can't help but wonder how you got to know so many sluts. If you say most gays are losers, then I can't help but wonder why so many losers gravitate toward you. And if you say that most gays are not into relationsips, then I can't help but wonder that maybe they are just not interested in a relationship with you. And if you say that most gays are negative this, negative that, should you wonder why those gays that are "positive this, positive that" do not cross your path? The list goes on and on...

To my gay friends who bash other gay people, there are plenty of good, nice gay people out there. Maybe, if you would just try to be a little humble, you might meet some good ones. Mirrors are not made to point at others; they are made for each one of us to look at ourselves, to reflect what is us as an individual. Take a careful look at ourselves in them.

To think about it, sometimes we tend to put others down to try to make ourselves feel good, superior to others, to hide our insecurities. We boast; we tell stories; we paint ourselves so gloriously, but we, in fact, know that we are just like a drum that screams loudly but is completely empty inside.

On that note, I now don't think I want to blame the gay gay-bashers for the way gay people are treated either. Maybe, they are just ignorant. Or, maybe, they are just lost and confused. Or, maybe, they are just plain scared.

At the end of the day, let's just live. Let's not blame anyone. If our experiences with gay people have been negative, we should simply take our mirror out and take a long look at ourselves. Then, maybe we can find the answer.

A whining kid at my pinic

Last Sunday, we had a pinic for our staff and their families. It was a beautiful, sunny day. The part of the park we rented was secluded with a volleyball court and a small pond--very peaceful and romantic.

We had barbecue pork, hot dogs, burgers, among other things. We planned a lot of fun games. Pretty much all of our staff showed up, plus their families. The food was abundant; the games were fun and exciting.

All of us enjoyed the day, very much. Well, I guess not all of us did. There was one kid that whined, and whined, and WHINED...very annoying. The worst part was that he lied, and lied, and LIED about being bullied by some other kids. I guess when kids lie, they often don't know enough to burb up a coherent, believable story. So, what can they do but regurgitate what they saw or heard from other people. They gather bits and pieces of other kids' stories to make their own. Oftentimes, they use the exact words or phrases that have been repeated over, and over, and OVER on the playground. You can't help but know that they made up the stories!

Well, being the party-pooper last Sunday, I just sat under a tree and observed. So, I knew that that kid was not at all bullied. He was just an attention seeker. So, I told him: "Stop whining. It's not becoming of you!" Nah, I didn't say that. That's too gay...LOL. I said, "Shut the hell up or I'll kick your butt! That's how being bullied is!" Nah, I didn't say that either...

Anyway, he kept on whining, and it was annoying...

We had fun, regardless.