Saturday, April 23, 2011

To Be or Not to Be (with T)?

I remember clearly telling Jim way back when he was still struggling with his coming out that once every thing is OK with him and K, he will be faced with the BIG question: To Be or Not To Be (with T)?

Sadly, the time is now...

Jim and I love each other very much, no question about it. The difference between me and Jim is that I have accepted my situation and tried to make the best of it, to improve the situation, and Jim has not.


I have a younger sister who is a totally closeted lesbian, total virgin in all sense. She is beautiful and has attracted many men, from young to old...ironically. Unfortunately, the way I came out shocked my parents so much that she is convinced that my parents won't be able to handle her coming out. I have encouraged and tried to help her, but she made me promise not to tell.

She would not secretly date either. I tried to look for women to introduce to her, but she has refused. I opened a account for her, but, unfortunately, most of those profiles were very butchy. She's not and not into the butchy type.

She used to want to get married just so she could have kids. But, she now has decided that the best thing for her is to remain single.

She and I pretty much share the same friends, not many but good friends. We have gone to the same schools and built up our businesses together. We have been there for each other thick and thin.


I used to be very closeted. I used to feel hopeless, hopeless that I would be able to have a chance to love and be loved by a man. Every night, I would lie in bed and cry in my tears, too many tears in the past that I had no more tears, but I felt my heart crying.

I was scared. I was so scared that other people would know that I was gay. Every thing I said or did was with caution, worrying that people would spot the gay in me. I constantly felt that if I could make enough money to leave behind for my parents and two single sisters, I would be better off dead. How crazy was that?


I had suspected my sister to be gay since way back in college. I just knew. I guess she did about me, too. So, one day, after we both graduated, I told her. Then, I asked her, and she admitted. We both cried so hard. I cried because I knew exactly what she had been going through, and it just broke my heart. We promised to not leave each other. I promised myself to never leave her...

She's a very good person.


So, ever since I started dating men, I told every one of my potential boyfriends about my situation right from the start. On top of that, I told them about how my parents were still trying to adjust to my dating men. Till this date, my parents still have not been well adjusted.

With Jim, I told him everything about me and my life right from the start. And, he was honest about his situation. I used to think that as long as I was totally honest and Jim was OK with my situation in the beginning, he should not have had any problem with it later on. But, when I paused and thought about it, I knew my thinking was wrong.

Jim went through two whole years of feeling guilty, frustrated, sad, hopeless, all sort of negative emotions. It's not fair for him to leave his family just so he be lonely. I can give him so much love. At all time, he can be certain that I love him. But, I can't promise him that we will live together some time soon. I have been trying hard to get my parents accept me and Jim. Now, my parents no longer question when Jim have dinner with me and my family and hang out with me in the basement. That, to me, is a huge achievement.

My dad is 78, and my mom is 76. When I started dating, my mom, especially, had so much problem. Initially, she mainly was afraid that I would get HIV. It took me a VERY long time to kind of assure her. Then, she was afraid that I would leave and my sisters would be alone. Way back, I promised her that I would not abandon them, just as I knew they would not abandon me.

So, to make a long story short, it would be less likely that Jim and I live together in the next few years, how many years...I don't have an answer. All I can promise is to continue to try my best.

I have only one of me, and I constantly try to divide my time to make everyone as happy as possible. But, sometimes, that's not enough.

Over the past year, K has found love, which has caused Jim to feel more lonely and concerned about his future. I don't blame him a bit. One year ago, he found someone that he shared a lot of things in common and was willing to become a full-fledged partner. We parted.

I was very sad but knew it was the right thing to do since I could not give him what he wanted, needed, and deserved.

It didn't work out, so Jim came back to me. I knew that, one day, what I couldn't give him will again be a problem in our relationship. Especially during the last few months, Jim has voiced his loneliness more often, and each time it just broke my heart. I love him very much and would never want to hurt him. And, I think I am hurting him now.

What am I doing to Jim? Am I being selfish for keeping him from a life that he really wants and deserves? Jim keeps on wanting to make more friends, but deep down I know he wants a partner. He deserves one. He's a wonderful dad. He's a good person with a big heart. He deserves better. The longer I keep him, the harder it will be for him to find a partner. If one of us were to be lonely, I'd prefer that I'd be the one.

Yesterday, my lesbian sister asked me in a very sad manner if I were sad not being able to live with Jim? She was thinking about our nephew's coming wedding and felt very sad. I used to do that. I don't feel bad at weddings any more. Today, Jim told me how lonely he was. Thinking about what both my sister and Jim said broke my heart. I wish for both of them to be happy.

I wish that my sister would at least date someone.

I wish that Jim would be satisfy with what I can give him.

I wish many, many things.

But...there's always a "but"!

So, Jim, the answer you've been looking for is: "Not to be with T."

I love you so much, Jim. But, I don't want to see you wasting your life being lonely with me when there are good people out there that could give you what you want and deserve for your life. Do not linger with me just because I have been loyal to you and stuck by you. You should not feel obligated. I would rather having us making this decision before you found someone who could give you what you deserve. Just promise to continue to be my best friend.



  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Jim has other demands in his life too....4 kids, right? You've got other responsibilities, he has other responsibilities (for 10 more years?). How could he move 60 miles away from his kids right now? Why wouldn't this present situation work for you both right now?

    If you and Jim could move in together tomorrow and live happily ever after that would be perfect. But guess what? Life is rarely perfect. The planets may align for you both, but it doesn't seem as though it can happen right now.

    Soon Jim will get an apartment and I'm sure you will have a drawer and toothbrush there. Your life will likely change in the next ten years with your parents, and Jim's kids will grow up. Can't you see the planets aligning at that point and then you can be together?

  3. Hi Rob,
    I'm very happy with the progress I've made so far. But, I cannot guarantee Jim a certain date, if at all, when we can live together. Jim really wants a true living-together partner, and I'm not sure I could offer him that. Jim is far from being ready to move in with anyone. But, I guess, not knowing if we will live together makes him lonely. Jim is in his early forties, and I think I'm holding him back from getting to where he wants in life. I'm pretty sure I can offer Jim more than a lot of people (and I don't mean money)...but, the one thing he wants the most, I can't give. I keep on hoping that my love (my looks and personality...just kidding...:) ) for him would be enough, but that's not fair to Jim.