Monday, November 28, 2011


What's with today?

I started out with an old, senile patient who blamed everyone for every little thing that happened to his life. Fart!

Then, I had a whole bunch of little kids who farted here, farted there, farted all over the place while I examined them.

Then, when I finally got home, very late, very exhausted, I thought I would relax a little by reading the blogs. Wow, a whole bunch of more farts hit my face. Several old farts decided to become psychologists and advised Jim to break up with me.

Granted people are entitled to their opinions, however, when you advise someone to break up with the person he loves who loves him a lot, the least decency and respect you should have is to gather the facts before you fart up your mouth. Then, your opinions would be respected.

Like I have said many times, Jim deserves to have a partner who can totally devote to him. Everyone deserves that. It's perfectly OK for someone to suggest Jim to leave me to find someone else who could give Jim what he wants. Afterall, Jim didn't come out to be lonely.
However, don't shoot off with things that you do not know for sure if they are true.

It's foolish. A senile person who farts off his mouth is understandable. Little kids who can't control their farts are understandable. People who give advice, especially for someone to break up with the person who loves him, with false assumptions sound worse than farts.

God damn, I hate the word "fart", and I am forced to say it so many times in just one fart posting.

Fart it!!!

Fart, fart, fart!!!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

I don't want to break anyone's happiness

I just got a comment on my last post by a friend blogger who stated he didn't condone being with someone who's already in another committed relationship.

Please do not misunderstand me for I'm not at all upset by this. To me, every situation, every relationship is unique. Like I have said before, growing up gay, I have learned to be creative with my life, love, relationship. I have learned to accept that I cannot get every thing I want. I have learned to be fluid and to make the best of what life or love offers me.

However, for myself, and just for myself, I would never want to break up or destroy anyone else's relationship. When I grew up, I had been feeling hopeless about finding love and convinced myself that having someone to love and to be loved by would be impossible. I dwelled on the hurt of not having love. I experienced the pain of seeing love but not being able to touch it. I treasure it.

How could I take away love from someone else, right? No, I can't never do that. It's not because I am kind or noble. It's because I know the hurt like it's innate.

Before I met Jim, I was in a short relationship with a gay couple, A and B, who had been with each other for about 9 years. They were actually just looking for someone to play with. They had great pride that they had a very strong relationship. So, they once in a while looked for a third person to have fun with but never had it been more than just a hook up. A initially wrote to me, and I thought he was attractive and nice. I talked to him online several times before he told me he had a partner who also liked my profile.

I finally met them and one of their friends. All three were attracted to me, but I was only attracted to A. A and B and I ended up in bed. Both A and B fell in love with me, and I fell in love with A. After the second time meeting me, they proposed that we have a three people relationship. A and I grew closer and closer. We had so many things in common. I liked B but was not in love with him. But, at all time, I tried to get to know B and treat him like I treated A. We were only intimate when all three of us were together. A was more caring while B was more selfish. Anyway, after a short period of time, B proposed that they each could spend time alone with me. As they became more in love with me, I grew more in love with A. Though I didn't let that show, A showed that he was falling fast for me.

As a result, B was jealous, not against me but against A. He wanted me but was afraid that A wanted me too much. I knew I could not hurt them. I didn't want their relationship to fall apart. The once very strong relationship was now shaken unexpectedly. I knew I had to leave. It broke my heart because I loved A and he loved me. But I had to. I left.

Then, when Jim wrote to me telling me about his situation, I thought God wanted to play games with me. I had met a lot of men who really liked me, but none was as sincere and caring as Jim. The first time I looked at his picture, I just knew that he was the one. I looked at his eyes, and I could see love and sincerity.

When he told me he was married, I thought to myself: "God, why???" But I soon learned that K had allowed Jim to date men since a couple of years before that. Later, Jim told me he wasn't expecting to fall in love with anyone either. Well, it became difficult for K, Jim, and me.

I never wanted to break up their relationship, but it was already broken. I was always ready to leave every time Jim and K wanted to recommit to each other. But they couldn't commit to each other any longer. Jim was now totally gay. He could not pretend any longer. K could not pretend that she could accept an unconventional marriage any longer.

Did I break up their marriage? I don't think I did. I think I broke their denials. Did I do any thing wrong? Should I have waited until they were divorced? I don't know. Perhaps. But I am glad I have traveled along Jim's path over the last three and a half years.

The one question that has always been close to my heart is: "Is it fair for Jim to be with me when I can't be sure when/if we could live together full time?" Every day, I try to work toward that goal. I work very hard on that. There has been a lot of improvement, but I can't still guarantee that that would happen. Am I being selfish? I love Jim very much. I want him to love me regardless. And he does. And I do.

Will this be enough for Jim?

I don't know.

K is now happy with her soon to be husband...a couple more weeks.

Jim is now alone in his house.

He has all my love. Will it be enough?

I can break my happiness, but I do not want to break Jim's happiness just as I didn't want to break A's and B's and K's happiness.

I hope and wish that Jim's happiness will always be with me, regardless.

Friday, November 25, 2011

really long post

Rob (RB) asked me why I got involved with a married man (Jim) when I didn't know what was going to happen with his marriage, when many gay men would shy away from married men.

Well, I don't usually write long postings, but, I think I have to put in a few details of my life and about me to answer this question.

I first noticed I was different from other kids since I was in third grade. I always was the boy that watched other boys play rough games or boy games. I was never outcasted, however. None of the kids bullied me; I guess I earned enough respect from being the best student in class. Up until I finished 6th grade, I don't think any of the kids had called me names.

At home, however, my oldest brother gave me a little hard time...sometimes. I was not efeminate. But, I guess he caught on that I didn't care for boy stuff. So, he probably tried to roughen me up a little bit.

After the fall of Saigon, my dad, having been a University professor, was forced by the communist to teach with a salary that was barely enough for his own breakfast. Therefore, my mom had to go to different parts of the country to buy and sell different things. At home, she constructed a stand in front of our house for my grandma to sell bananas and coals. I was eight at the time. It has been in my nature to help my family. So, I helped my grandma sell bananas. And one day soon after we started, I ventured by myself to the big market far away from my house and bought a whole bunch of candies to bring home to sell to the locals. It worked. Then, I raised ducks and chicken. I traded them at the market. And we ate some, too. Anyway, I formed a very strong bond with my grandma. At night, I slept in her bed. She always fanned me to sleep. For some reason, my oldest brother thought boys might be girly if they sleep with their grandmas.

In hindsight, there were other things that might have tipped him off...LOL. My two younger sisters were left to follow me, and we had no toys. So, every time I went to buy candies, I would by some tiny, cheap plastic pots and pans for me and my sisters to play. We had fun. I didn't understand my brother's action at the time. But, I remember vividly the one time that he told me not to hold my hand the way I did because it was like a girl. That was the first time I was conscious about what people might think of me.

Events after events, my family and I moved and became fishermen and escaped from our country as boat people.

We were accepted to the U.S., and we had been poor for a long time. But we were greatful. It was heaven compared to living in Vietnam under the communist regime. We couldn't afford much. So, I became creative...LOL. Well, there happened to be a Vietnamese Nutritionist student who came to my house to teach my mom how to cook some American food. Then, my mom took a class on cake decorating. So, being the one that always help my mom, I did every thing with her. I helped her make doughnuts and decorate cakes. Not too soon, I could make roses like a professional...LOL. I was a boy in 9th grade...not usual! From then, for everyone's birthday and at every Christmas, I made donuts and cakes, Yule logs and all. My cousins and other relatives found out and started making fun of me a little. I didn't give a shit. My family didn't have money, so I did it for my family. Actually, I didn't feel good listening to those comments. I had choices, and I chose the choice to ignore them and make cakes for my family.

Throughout high school, I helped my brothers mowing lawns and trimming trees for the more well-off people. But, during my senior year, my mom decided to buy a pair of commercial sewing and hemming machines to work at home to make some money. I couldn't let my mom work by herself. So, she worked on one, and I worked on one. I was very good at hemming clothes. So, I was the talk of the neighborhood. We lived in the Vietnamese ghetto where most of the kids were gangsters. And, here I was hemming clothes...At least, I made an honest living... :). Then, my second oldest sister decided to go to beauty school. But, she didn't know much English. So, every night, I would sit down with her and read her books and practice curling hair with her. Of course, more people talked about that. From that, I knew how to cut and perm hair...LOL.

As I grew up, there had been more and more negativity associated with being gay or looking gay. In short, I became petrified that people might know I was gay by the time I got to college. Embarrassment was an understatement when people made any source of gay reference. I don't think people knew I was gay. But, I developed a paranoia, a horrible paranoia.

I put myself in my own prison as a result. I became sad and felt hopeless. I couldn't concentrate in school. Medical school was the worst time. I skipped school most of the time and just watched TV to pass the time. I could not sit down for more than 5 min to study without thinking about how hopeless life would be for me as a gay person. It was only until a few days before the exams that I could study. It was because I had no more time to think about any thing else but to somehow gulp down all he information to pass the tests.

My worst enemy at that time was my skin. I had and still have very nice skin, and often people would compare it to a girl's skin. I hated that. Oftentime, I held a razor in front of the bathroom mirror wanting to make scars on my face. Thank God I didn't. A lot of time, I prayed to God for me to finish school so I could give my parents a nice life. Then, if I died, it would have been OK.

Over time, I had become totally closeted. No one knew I was unhappy. I am someone who likes to smile and laugh all the time. At least, I make people laugh. But, no one knows that, at night, I would stay awake for hours crying inside. I rarely literally cried, but inside I felt just like crying. I felt hopeless. I convinced myself that I could never have love, with a man. It was just impossible.

Then, one day, a big, extremely painful event in my life happened that forced me to come out. I am not ready to talk about it yet. But, because of that, I broke out of my cage. I started dating. I allowed myself to find love. My family was all supportive, but my mom was so afraid of me dating. She had and still has so much empathy for gay people, but she had been so afraid of me getting sick that she was so resistant every time I went out with someone.

Anyway, now that I was open to the world of love, I never wanted to take it for granted. I value and treasure love. I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted someone I love who loves me back. But, I also knew that I could not leave my closeted lesbian sister by herself. I promised my mom I would not leave her by herself. I promised myself not to leave my sister by herself. She has always been there for me, as well as my single youngest sister. They would not leave me by myself.

So, I cannot be with anyone who requires me to live with him. That is a huge limitation. With this comes my understanding toward other gay men who have their own limitations. With Jim, and every one I had dated, I had been honest about this up front. Jim was also honest about his family from the beginning.

In general, I am afraid to date a married man who hides from his wife. I really don't want to break up anyone's family. But, in Jim's case, K had allowed Jim to date way before he met me. The one thing I didn't know was that both K and Jim did not expect Jim to fall in love with me.

With me, as long as I love the person and he loves me and accepts my situation, I was willing to go through many hardships. If I feel loved by that one special person, I'm happy. I have learned to be creative with my life and, hence, my relationship. I require that person to truly love me. As long as we really love each other, to me, we can love each other in any situation.

I love Jim very much. He's a very caring person. He cares for K and his kids. I know he loves me a lot, too. He's willing to be with me even if I can't live with him. That is just very special. I just hope that during his hard time, I could make him smile every single day.

God, this post has been so long, I'm exhausted. I can write more another day if anyone is interested.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

I am thankful

Usually, Thanksgiving is just a chance for me to take two days off of work. Though I have always been thankful for what I have, Thanksgiving is not part of my culture. However, this Thanksgiving season, I have truly had the Thanksgiving spirit. Over the past couple of weeks, amidst tons of work, I have accomplished several things that made me feel very good and thankful.

It started with the clothing drive my sisters and I did for our patients, most of whom are very poor. It was a success. We got a lot of donations, and witnessing the laughters and happiness of those receiving them was very wonderful. We were also able to get broccoli and cabbages for them, which we didn't have for the last few times.

I wrote a letter to the immigration judge for the father of a patient of mine who was to be deported. He is illegal here but is a very nice person and good father. He was granted to stay because of my letter. His two-year old son is now happy again.

I put up the Christmas tree with a village and train. Everyone at home seems to really enjoy them.

After a year looking, I was able to find one more Physician Assistant and hired her. Not many people want to work for my diversed indigent patients. I just gave the contract to another really nice Physician Assistant yesterday. I don't really need this extra one, but this is the only way I can take some vacation without having much worries. I want a better quality of life for me and my sisters. Equally important, I will have a chance to hopefully go on a little vacation with Jim.

And, Jim is going to have Thanksgiving dinner with me and my family. Who would have thought this would happen? My mom is usually antsy when/if Jim is with me when other people other than my parents and my sisters are around. She doesn't seem to care now. I am SO happy.

AND...Jim said he loves me and Gay Confucius, too!!!

I am very thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving, EveryOne.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!


Wednesday, November 23, 2011

No Turkey

Vietnamese don't eat Turkeys at Thanksgiving.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

One more step

Tonight, I invited Jim to dinner with my whole staff and some family and friends. I take my staff out to dinner once in a while. But Thanksgiving dinner is a tradition that my clinic has adopted. I have always been cautious about my sexuality at work. But, tonight, I took a leap of faith by inviting Jim. I know I didn't make it so obvious. I didn't make it known that Jim was more than a friend to me. But, that, nevertheless, was a big step for me. And, I'm glad I did it. This Thanksgiving, Jim will again join me and my family for dinner. I'd love that.

Jim took me home from dinner tonight, and we sat in front of the Christmas tree for a while. It was very warm. It was full of love, to me.

P.S. I just know that one day Jim will be hanging lights on the roof of my house. In return, I'll hang my balls on his "Christmas tree."

Sunday, November 13, 2011


Almost four years ago, Jim sent me a note with his profile picture. The things that drew me to him were his eyes. They looked very kind, as simple as that. He was not as thin as I was. He didn't have as much hair as I did, but his eyes were kind. He was attractive. He attracted me.

After about 2 email exchanges, Jim drove down to see me. We met at a local restaurant. I was so nervous when I sat across the tiny table from him. I was nervous because I really liked him. He was nervous, too. That made him so handsome. After dinner, we sat in Jim's car to hide away from the rain. He asked if he could give me a kiss.

From that day on, I have loved Jim very much.

I came into the hardest part of Jim's life.

But I have always loved him. I love him because he is a very devoted father. He cooks for them. He takes care of their every little need. I love him because he cares about his wife's feelings and well-being.

I love Jim because he has shown me a lot of love. I am so proud of him. I hope he knows that. Tonight, Jim was very frustrated from the hardships he's been facing lately. That makes me feel like crying now. And I don't just cry about any thing. If I were by myself, I would ask Jim to live with me in a minute. But, I have my difficulties. That makes me very sad.

I can't think of a way to make Jim smile with tonight's posting.

I hope he will smile tomorrow when he reads this...just because I love him.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Can snoring be interesting?

LOL...I was googling for photos of male dominatrix, and the photos that came up were NASTY!!!...:))) Anyways, as promised, I was going to see Jim after work today to whip him up for not listening to what I had told him to do, which is every thing. He should know by now that I am always right!

Before I could whip him, he played a trick on me. While I took a shower, all by myself, he hid my clothes. I had to cover myself with a tiny towel and run around his house looking for my clothes while he just sat in his sofa giggling. How mean!

He made me do it before he would give me my clothes back. So, I had to do it. He forced me.

I was tired, so I didn't want to eat out tonight. Jim's fault. So, we went to a local store to get food to bring home. I wanted French bread and salami. I love bread, a lot. A lot of time, I would go to a restaurant just because of their bread. Jim wanted the lobster bisque. We also got some cheeze, some frozen stuff. I got a yogurt because I eat healthy. Jim demanded a tiramitsu. He pouted until we got it.

Dinner was very nice. I really liked it. I loved sitting at home having dinner with Jim. No one was there but us.

Afterward, we snuggled while watching Sweet Genius, Jim's favorite. After a while, Jim dozed off in his steady, rhythmic snores.

It was time for me to leave.

I miss him already. I even miss his snores. I never snore, so sometimes I find snoring somewhat interesting.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Ying and Yang

For every force, there's a negative force. For every Ying, there's a Yang. Life is funny that way. It's an equilibrium. No body can change that law of nature.

I have to remind myself of this every time life becomes hard. You can't appreciate happiness if you haven't experienced sadness.

So, I apply this rule of nature to my relationship with Jimmy Yang. I really think this is how our relationship has been strong. Sometimes when Jim is the Ying, I'm the Yang. When I'm the Ying, he's the Yang.

Here's what I think:

When Jim is the Ying, he should:

1. Blow the leaves in the garden, and I, being the Yang, would cheer him on;

2. Cook good dinner, and I, being the Yang, would eat to make him happy;

3. Prepare a bubble bath, and I, being the Yang, would sit in it.....

When I am the Ying, I would:

1. Buy Jim a leaf blower, and Jim, being the Yang, should blow the leaves;

2. Buy the groceries, and Jim, being the Yang, should prepare dinner;

3. Allow Jim to make a bubble bath, and Jim, being the Yang, should be happy to make it for me.....

" Ju nog Jing eng Jang! Tu pee-neez...Ich Jing eng Jing!!!"

"Dear Gay Confucius, we are Ying and Yang, too. Two straight penises are Ying and Ying. But, we have two gay penises. A gay penis is a Ying and Yang penis by itself!"

Sunday, November 6, 2011


There was this patient whom I saw yesterday. He's in his late 50's, and he was being a jerk with me. I didn't need that, especially on Saturday morning when people line up to be seen an hour before we're supposed to open. Actually, every morning is like that.

I want to say it's stressful, but I am thankful.

So, while I had so many patients waiting, this man kept on complaining about how he had to keep on paying to see me just because I couldn't cure his itch. I started feeling bad, but I didn't recall treating him for any itch. So, I reviewed the notes from all the previous visits. The man was seen for his itch two years ago by my sister.

He said his itch was all over, like bugs crawling on him, but only at one location at a time, especially on his scalp. I couldn't find anything on his skin or scabies, no rash, nothing. Hot showers? Dry skin? Scabies? Neuropathy? Liver disease? Allergies?...I quickly ran through a whole bunch of differential diagnosis in my mind: None. The whole time he kept on wanting to check his blood. Then, it dawned on me!

Things dawn on me so often...LOL. Anxiety! A lot of the men I see who want to check their blood have something to hide... :))).

"Any unprotected sex other than with your wife?" I asked.

".....Ummm...only oral...on me. She's 27 (with a grin on his face)..."

"She's gonna kill you! Your guilt is coming out as itches. Are you better now? Let's do some blood tests," I said nicely.

"Will I get HIV if she does oral on me?"

"The risk is lower, but there're other diseases also. Regardless, let's do some blood tests."

"I'll be back for it. I feel better already."

Then, he just smiled and walked out.

The guy must have cheated on his wife back then, too. And he had the nerve to give me a hard time so early in the morning.



"What are you laughing at, Dear Gay Confucius?"

"Mee holpe hee loo-nog helve reel rass...khee...khee...khee..."

"You hope he does not have a real rash?...ME TOO!"


Thursday, November 3, 2011

Neanderthals were Openly Homo Sexuals. Humans were Gay Sapiens.

While talking to Jim tonight, I had my TV on the Food Network channel. And the program was called Sweet Genius. I thought by watching this it was pretty gay already. But, oh my God, the guy hosting it was SO GAY! Every little gesture he made was like that of a charm-schooled girl! Then, it dawned on me that gay people are everywhere. Then, I wondered when the first gay Homo Sapiens existed.

Should we just say Gay Sapiens? Anyways, there had to be at least one gay Homo Sapiens back when the Neanderthals were still celebrating life. Then, I wondered why the Neanderthals became extinct.

Then, it dawned on me that most of these Neanderthals must have been gay! Not just gay but openly gay! Maybe all they had were mainly gays and lesbians, and just some bi-sexuals, and a couple of bi-curious'. So, in their little community, the gays would pair up; the lesbians would pair up; the bi-curious would pair up with the same sex because they were curious...sometimes curious for years; and the bi-sexuals would be the only ones that produced a couple of offsprings then off they went to the same sex. So, they pretty much enjoyed the same sex life-style (and I don't blame them). And pretty soon, there were so few of them left. And, unlucky for them, those few not-totally-gay Neanderthals were mainly of the same sex. They were so lonely, so they had sex with each other anyway. So, pretty more Neanderthals!

Homo Sapiens were much smarter! They invented the club. The males used the clubs to knock other males out and had their ways with them. Then, they returned to their caves and forcefully produced. And that is how we still remain until today.

Now that a lot of us are "out", some are afraid that eventually we would cease to exist. But, don't worry! We have discovered the in-vitro technique. Now, it just dawned on me that this technique must have been discovered by gay people! Yes. Has to be.


Jim thinks I'm crazy... :)))

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Asians Have Small Fingers

Today, I was exhausted. Mentally, I'm fine. But, physically, my body is giving out on me. I'm very resilient, but, I exhausted.

Jim came to visit me tonight. I was very happy to see him, though I didn't look that way. He had to wait for me to finish some of my paperwork. We didn't leave the office until around 8:30pm. Jim already had dinner, but he joined my parents, my sisters, and me at the dinner table at around 9:30pm.

He didn't understand what we were talking about, but, just to let him know, my dad was pushing for me to ask Jim to eat more, and my mom was worried that he would have to drive home late. That made me happy.

On another note, I had to do a couple of prostate exams today. I don't like doing it, but it goes with the job. So, I just do it like a routine. However, I do always make sure I use enough lubrication and do it slowly and gently so that I would minimize the pain.

So, one of the patients was an old Cuban man. He was reluctant to have his prostate checked. This was less resistant than most Hispanic men. He had a huge belly and was resistant in bending down, so it took me a little longer to examine his prostate. The poor guy kept on moaning: "Ah...AAhhh...AAAhhhhh!!!..."

Well, lucky for him Asian fingers are usually small!

"Hah...hah...hah....jsmall finkgurs!"

"Yes, small fingers, Dear Gay Confucius..."

"Ju Ajsian...ju jsmall...hah...hah...hah..."

"Yes, I have small FING...ERS!!! So do you!!!"

"Wang jsee mee finkgurs?"