Thursday, August 22, 2013

Jim & T: Over :(

So, this is it.  The end of Jim and T.  Five years, and now it's over.  It wasn't a surprise.  We both deep down knew this day would come.  We loved each other; we do and always will.  We both tried hard in our different ways.  But...yes, there's always a BUT, which is more like a BUTT, in life that makes it we are:  Over. 

I pretty much knew what I had to do when Jim blogged about feeling depressed.  A major part of his problem was me.  I couldn't give him what he needed.  After our multiple unwanted break-ups (four?), I am a Pro.  I figured he knew he had to move on but didn't want to hurt me.  I knew I couldn't be selfish and hold him back.  I knew I had to say it first.  I had to suggest the break up.  And Jim agreed.  I guess he wanted to make sure I was ready to minimize hurting me.  Usually, I came to stay at Jim's every other Wednesday, unless there's some schedule problem with K's schedule.  Then I would come the next Wed.  I saw him last Wed.  This week, I wanted to come see Jim again, but he wanted to come see me, instead.  I knew then that he had made his decision.

In a way, I feel a sense of relief.  I love Jim too much to let him fall into a depression.  I don't think he really feels depressed.  He's perfectly willing to adapt to K's schedule to take care of and be with his kids.  He's a good and caring father.  He lives less than ten minutes away from K's house, and he's pretty much there until at least 10 pm every night.  K's schedule is usually his first priority.  Her date nights usually take priority over our planned dates.  I honestly didn't mind because I never wanted to cause him more stress than he already had.  I think what Jim felt was a trap that was difficult for him to get out.  We loved each other very much.  Jim very much wanted me to become his true partner.  He had to settle for what I could give him hoping it would change in the future.  The trap was that he had no certainty nor was he promised any certainty. 

Jim wanted to be able to spend time with his kids (at K's house) and have me there when he gets home.  But if I could just be there every Wednesday, he would have been happier.  How long that would have last, I don't know.  He wanted it all, but he didn't ask much from me.  It's I who couldn't step up the plate.  I have so much on my plate that my best try wasn't enough.  The bottom line is we both tried very hard, and I couldn't and didn't give Jim what he needed.  It's more like I couldn't guarantee that I would give him what he wanted, which was very simple:  a true partner.  I know that if I could give him a glimpse of hope that what he wanted with me would materialize sometimes in the future, he would have stuck with me forever.  However, I could never mislead Jim, or anyone.  I couldn't make empty promises. 

My five years with Jim have given me a serenity in my crazy, hectic life and, most important of all, a forever best friend.  In a way, I am glad that we came to an end.  This was the only way for Jim to find what he really needs and deserves.  Sometimes, the best gift you could offer to the one you love is to free him.  I am very sad, but I know I did the right thing.  I know Jim did the right thing.  I know for sure whoever his future partner is would be very lucky to have Jim.  I wish him the best and will forever be there for him.

It's just...I love him so much...


  1. We've seen this movie before

    Anyone want to start a pool on how long until they are back together?

  2. Hi Rob,
    Unfortunately, seeing Jim depressed is the last draw for me. I don't want to hold Jim back while he could be out there looking for someone who could give him what he wants and deserves.
    It's time for me to do the right thing.
    It hurts.

  3. Oh, T, I'm very sorry. I've followed both yours and Jim's story for a while. I had so hoped you could make a go of it. I sure don't have any easy answers. Like Jim has a duty to his kids, I'm certain you feel an equal if not greater duty to your parents and extended family. And despite what some people have seemed to think, I appreciate that it would be no easier for you to walk away from the responsibility you feel towards your family than it would be for Jim to walk away from his kids. Having one foot in each of two worlds can be a real challenge. I feel for you. Seems you can't please anyone some times. I sure know the feeling.....

    My major impression from reading is that you are a good man who tries very hard to do the best you can for the people who are important to you. But remember, always, that you've got to take care of the caregiver, too. You deserve it. Don't shortchange yourself along the way.

    Good luck to both of you. It's been my pleasure to have read your story. I hope you'll let your readers know how you're doing from time to time