Tuesday, May 31, 2011


There was one brief period of time during my college life where I stayed in a very dampy, dark studio. Actually, all of the ones I stayed at were dampy and dark, but this one was the worst. In front of it was a trash bin, so I couldn't open the window or even pull up the blinds. So, a lot of nights, I went upstairs to hang around the group of poor Vietnamese college guys who shared a just-a-little-bit-larger studio.

We would cook and have dinner together. Then, a couple of the guys would play Chinese chess. The others would circle around listening to a guy playing the guitar and me singing. At the time, I started to join a Vietnamese band and sang at weddings. So, this was a good chance for me to practice. But, I didn't see it that way. I felt good just hanging around them. Usually, I would get very self-conscious when I was among a group of guys. I was always afraid that they would spot me as being gay. But, with these guys, I was at ease. And, I didn't think they were gay. And they never made me feel like I was gay. It was like a brotherhood thing.

Then, when bed time came, we, around eight of us, would all lay on the floor and slept. There was one guy, specifically, who always pulled me over next to him, had me lay my head on his arm, and we both slept. It was like a normal thing. No one questioned that. He was not gay. He was not at all good looking. But, I really liked him. Did I have a crush on him? Not sure. Maybe. But, he made me feel comforted during the time that I struggled the most about my sexuality.

Then, there was one night, while I was lying on the floor, another guy came over and kissed me quickly right on my lips as if he couldn't resist it. He caught me by surprise. I didn't know how to respond. No one said anything either. He was definitely not gay. But I didn't know why he did it. It wasn't a joke.

Eventually, I moved away. After that, I ran into the guy that held me to sleep several times. Every time, he gave me a big, warm hug and seemed to be happy to see me. I still didn't think he was gay.


Now, I have a loving boyfriend, and I can't put my head on his shoulder every night.


Life is funny sometimes, isn't it?


  1. "Can't" is not the right word. When the day comes that your love & desire out weigh your fear, we will be together. On that day, and all the days after, I will hold you all night long.

  2. That is the tough ride of love. I just went through a break up and I am feeling pretty lame about it.

    I am happy single in some respects in others no. I feel for you.

  3. Hang in there, Jacob. There's no reason you should feel lame. There's a reason for every thing that happens in life. Maybe, your true love wasn't the last one but will be the next one.