Saturday, June 4, 2011
I am hiding behind the bush
Double click on the image to see me in the far background.
Weddings! I've gone to so many weddings. I used to sing for a Vietnamese wedding band when I was still in Med school. It was a fun time. Pretty much every Sat. and Sun., the band would pack up and drive to one of the few Chinese restaurants in town to sing at weddings. Sometimes, we didn't get home until 2-3am. After a while, I was sick of ginger lobster. At every wedding, there were the same types of food, over and over again.
However, singing was a good outlet for me during the time when I struggled the most about my sexuality. Every direction I turned, I saw couples seemingly in love, people holding hands, people exchanging soft kisses and endearing looks. And these weddings that I attended...how could there have been such unfairness? Was God watching over me?
I was feeling guilty for being gay. I was feeling hopeless that I would never be loved by nor could show love to another man because coming out of the closet was never an option. There were a lot of girls pursuing me, but, little did they know, they were just barking at the wrong tree. The more polite I was to them, the worse they clinged to me. Your brothers, not you, silly women!!!
Anyways, every time I attended a wedding, my heart just sank...yes, it sank to the bottom. I felt hopeless; I felt lonely...to the extreme; I felt a tingling sensation taking over my body; I felt like a corpse without blood but tears running through the very core of my soul. But, I still sang. I sang my heart out at every wedding. I was in a different world when I sang. I focused on the meaning of the lyrics. I temporarily forgot the reality. I was in a brief moment of peace. I was in a world of pretend happiness. I always ended with a very big smile after each songs. But, as soon as the applauds ended, reality set in. I went home with much sorrow. Then, the following week, I did it again, and again for about three years.
Years have passed, and I have gone through much tears of sorrow, hopelessness, lovelessness. Actually, I couldn't cry for so many years. I felt like crying inside, but no tears came out. It was like I was so numb and frozen that I no longer had tears. I prayed, and I prayed for just a little happiness. Then, God granted me a life changing experience which nearly destroyed me. But, I survived it. I believed in God, and God had guided me. I came out. Yes, I came out to my family and some friends. My life changed. I became happier and happier. God helped me to allow myself to have happiness.
Last weekend, I attended my nephew's wedding in California. Though I didn't sing, I no longer felt sad. I didn't have to hide behind my songs. I was happy. I was happy for myself. I thanked God that I now have love. I have a man, whom I love very much, who very much loves me.