Silence

We survived the last week. That is to say my family and I survived the last week. That is to say it was horrible, only on one aspect though: my Dad's old friend. He lives in Vietnam. A couple of months ago, his family in Florida got him a Visa to visit them. Having been apart for over thirty years, my Dad wanted to reunite with him. So, I bought him a plane ticket. My Dad originally asked him to stay for a whole month. Thank God, he only wanted to stay for only one week...one week too long. We are very hospitable people, and we tolerate visitors' behaviors a great deal. But, this man topped them all.

I won't talk about him here, but one thing that had crossed my mind many times during his stay was, maybe, it would have been nicer to be among the Carthusian monks than be with him. The Carthusian monks...how do they do it? How can they be silent all the time? I think they can talk once a week during their communal walk or something like that. For the rest of the time, they have to be silent.

I do wonder about them sometimes. They are divided into two groups. The choir monks mainly pray and plant flowers. The lay brothers do labor work. Now, that's not fair! Wait, I change my mind. It is fair. If this rule is applicable to us, I would be the choir monk because I can sing. By deduction, Jim would be the lay brother who can manually labor...for me! Interesting...

If I were a choir monk, I'm pretty sure I would, at least, once in a while spurt out a soft sound just because my OCD tells me to do so (actually, I only have the OC trait!). Days in and days out, wouldn't you think someone would slip?

How about the lay brothers? After a hard day of manual labor, wouldn't they be a tiny bit pissed off when some choir monks slip them a note saying: "Your bread is too dry, today"? How can they keep all that anger bottled up inside? One day, when one choir monk accidentally sings a wrong note, would they burst out a "BOO"?

Why are there two groups in the first place? Why are there a group of grown men who go into the secluded mountainous area to live together and vow to be silent in the first place? I have a theory.

I think they were a group of gay men who knew they could only be themselves in secret. So, they and their lovers moved to the mountains to live. And, because way back then being gay was unspeakable, no one was allowed to talk about it. So, being in the mountains where everything you say echos back and forth, these gay couple were very careful about what they say. If they said anything homosexual and the echos get to the Cardinal, they could be beheaded.

But, how could a bunch of gay guys who just came out not talk about gay stuff?...like: What is LOL? What is "top/bottom"? What is a rice-queen? How do you make bread? Am I still Bi?...They kept on talking gay; yet, they were so afraid. So, every time someone said something, the whole group would "Shhhh" him. So, the whole day and night, people would hear echos of "Shhhh". "Shhh" here; "Shhh" there; "Shhh" everywhere.

In years, they stopped talking. Or...Maybe, it all started with a cat fight between a gay couple in the group. One gay guy was jealous of his boyfriend after the boyfriend befriended another man. He started a fight and said to his boyfriend, "I'm not talking to you any more!" The boyfriend said, "I AM not talking to YOU!" The boyfriend's friend stepped in, "Neither will I TALK to YOU!" Then joined the boyfriend's friend's boyfriend: "Why are you defending him? I will STOP talking to YOU!" Pretty soon, everyone joined in. It took about three days before all the "I'm never going to talk to you again" echos to stop.

From then on, some of them would stay in their rooms all day fetching up things to scold at their boyfriends when they meet at the communal walk while the rest would manually labor and make breads as a way to apologize to their lovers.

I have another thought. People often curse in some form when accidents happen, like when something dropped on their foot. How do these people curse? Maybe, they have some type of sign language...hmmm...interesting.

I have to go back to my paperwork. This was supposed to be a short break...GRRR.

Addendum: the "lay brothers" are actually "laid brothers". They make breads for the choir monks so they can get laid...that's it.

White Christmas

I love White Christmas. Time seems to pause. Things seem to stand still. Just enough for me to breathe in the peacefulness of a wonderful day off, which will soon disappear.

Well, we didn't have any snow this year. Yet, I did have a White Christmas. Jim visited me last night. He brought me a bracelet, matched with the one he's wearing. It came with a silver-plated box that looked very nice.

I'm not going to wear it. I'm going o put it right on my dresser. I think it's special that way. I don't think Jim understood my way of thinking. He never will. It's more fun that way...for me, at least :))).

Anyways, last night, Jim was MY Christmas. And, since he's White, I had my White Christmas!!!

A Case of Dildo Infidelity

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People show love in different ways.

Jim was pouting and insisting that I told my parents and my family at the dinner table that I love him. Of course, I love him--very much. However, as I told Jim, I don't have to tell them I love him for them to know that. In my culture, we don't usually say we love each other in front of other people or display public affection. We keep it private. We can tell if one person loves another by observing their actions, not necessarily with kissing or saying "I love you." Don't misunderstand me for I do not, by any mean, think there's anything wrong with saying "I love you" or kissing publicly (in a tasteful way). Each culture is different. So, after interacting with people from different countries and extensive researching, I have compiled a list of ways people from different countries show love for each other.

1. USA: say "I love you", kiss passionately.

2. France: French kiss while rubbing each other's butt.

3. Vietnam: blink eyes at each other repeatedly until one gets tired and gives up.

4. Japan: bow their heads while oscillating their tongues.

5. China: make high-pitched bird calls while doing Tai-chi.

6. Cambodia: dance with their hips opposite each other until the male's sarong falls off.

7. Nepal: Nod their heads from side to side in a synchronized way until one gets dizzy.

8. Russia: flap their thighs to their national anthem.

9. German: exchange fake, little mustaches.

10. Ireland: dance in kilts WITH underwears on, unlike usual.

11. Sweden: give naked massages.

Actually, the research was done by Gay Confucius. So, believe at your own risk.

Wedding...

I went to K's wedding with Jim last night. I lost my Driver's License, so Jim, being so sweet like always, came to pick me up at the office.

The wedding was at a horse barn. K really likes horses. K's family already heard about me, so they were not at all surprised that I came with Jim. On the contrary, they were very nice to me, engaging in conversations and all. I felt as "fit in" as could have been, having been the only Asian, who was gay, who was the boyfriend of the bride's gay ex-husband, who dressed nicely, who was at a wedding at a horse barn among a number of country folks.

Jim was very handsome in his suit. He was a perfect gentleman. He made sure I was not left alone to fend for myself (maybe he was afraid to do so...LOL). In real life, I am truly a gentle person, trust me...:))). Anyway, he did a great job in introducing me to the pastor and everyone he knew. They were all polite...

Except for one. This was an average looking guy who came to the wedding with a maroon, pull-over top and jeans. He brought with him a few un-noticeable kids and a very noticeable wife--a man-look-a-like wife. Yes, I'm serious. She had short, spiky hair on top of a boney-structured head on top of a leather jacket and a pair of cowboy boots. On top of that, this was the guy who waved his arms around to form letters while dancing to the YMCA song!

What did he do? Well, when Jim introduced me to them, he looked at me up and down like he was inspecting me. I had a hard time deciding if this was because the fool was homophobic or because I looked so damn hot for him that he couldn't help it. Jim and I looked pretty good dressing up, especially my butt in my form-fitting suit pants...:))) (kidding), but my three-some days were long over.

Anyway, the wedding was uneventful, just very cold, physically cold. The whole time, though, I was worried about how Jim was feeling. He was so worried about how the kids took this event. I felt very sad when K's new husband made a public, verbal pledge to "marry" Jim's kids. I understand that it was difficult for K and AJ to include Jim in their ceremony in any form. He was out of the loop in a number of things, which was perfectly normal. When he was not seated with his children, I thought that maybe they didn't have enough seats, why make it so difficult for them. However, with this pledge, I could feel and see the emotion rising up in Jim. It was as if they were oblivious to Jim's presence. I could feel the sense of loss in him. At that moment, I felt so sad for Jim. I had to hold my tears back seeing how hurt Jim was. I wanted to hug him, but, at that moment, it wasn't a good idea. Any gesture by us could have stolen the center of attention away from K and AJ.

Later, his youngest son signed his name on the guest list with AJ's last name. I think this really affected Jim. I tried to explain to Jim that he was only a 9 year-old child who was confused in the whole process. I tried to explain to Jim that he would always be his best and only dad.

I have never seen a more devoted dad than Jim. I don't doubt that his kids love and will continue to love him. I can't say that I know how Jim feels. I can try to put myself in his shoes and try to imagine how he would feel: a lot of hurt, sadness, loneliness, a sense of profound loss, ...

To those blogger friends out there who have gone through the same path Jim is going through now, please give Jim a few words of encouragement.

I love you, Jim, with all my heart.

Be Open

Rob in Below the Radar thought the relationship between Jim and Me came from a Hallmark movie and asked if we started with a hook-up.

'Grin'...It's definitely not like a Hallmark movie, at least not yet. I watch a lot of Hallmark movies, and I definitely know that it's not even close to a Hallmark movie. This is because Jim has not yet listened to every thing I say. He has not succumbed to the fact that I know best. In a Hallmark movie, Jim would be hanging Christmas lights, putting down tulip bulbs, changing bird cages while I admire him for doing it...LOL...Just kidding, Jim.

To be honest, with Jim, I didn't start as a hook-up. We met at Gay.com. Jim wrote to a number of people, so I don't know if I was his first choice, probably not. At that time, I had just canceled my subscription to Gay.com. And, I think, Jim had just put his profile there. He sent me a little note. I looked at his photo and was drawn to his eyes. To me, there was a kindness apparent when I looked at his eyes. I just knew he was a nice person. We emailed each other first.

I always knew what I wanted. I wanted love. I wanted one person to love and to be loved. I didn't care how we met. I did not set a specific standard. Though, I only met people with photos. To me, there has to be a reasonable attraction. Somehow, I was perfectly ok if people didn't like me, but I always felt bad if the other person liked me and I didn't feel the same way. I like who I am, but I can't force people to like me when they have not yet known me. I was very open. To me, being gay, everyone has his own story, his own situation, his own limitation, if I had a strict standard, I might have missed out on someone wonderful. The criteria I had for myself were simple: 1. I have to be attracted to that person, 2. I prefer my age or older but open to others, 3. honesty, 4. that person cannot date another person while dating me. Everything else was open.

From my experience, and my experience only, a lot of those people who set out to hook-up will settle for love when they met someone they like. I had met different people who started looking for a hook-up, but when we met, changed their minds and wanted a dating relationship with me. To me, it's very difficult for us gays to find people that we like to date. So, oftentimes, we ended up being lonely. So, a lot of us resort to hooking-up to patch up that loneliness while waiting for the right one. Even though I didn't hook up a lot, I met people who wanted to hook up with the confidence that if they liked me, they would stop hooking up. And they did. I live in the South where there are a lot of people who are not into Asians. There are a lot of profiles that say "no Asians". At first, I felt a little insulted, but then I realized it's just a preference. All I had to do was to be irresistable, and they would come...just kidding...LOL.

Actually, I think I converted a few non-Asian lovers... :) Anyway, my point is just be open, you'll never know.

Back to Jim!

I usually don't wait too long to meet when someone I like writes to me or responds to me. I would like to talk and meet him as soon as possible. And if we don't click, fine. So, I emailed Jim and told him about myself, what I was looking for, what I liked, my family situation, etc. and gave him my number. At first, he said he was shy and wanted to email before we talked on the phone. But, I guess he liked what I wrote, so within that one day, he wanted to meet with me. I was very excited.

So, he came down to meet me for dinner. We sat across from each other at a very small table, and I was very nervous. I guess I was nervous because I really liked him. I loved looking into his eyes. After dinner, the rain started to dribble, so we sat in Jim's car. He asked if he could give me a kiss...:))). He kissed me; I touched him slightly on his chest...:))). Then, we said good bye. I felt in love.

At that time, Jim thought he was still bi-sexual, but I knew it wouldn't take him long. Of course, he didn't know how crazy I was. Once he found out, he was already hooked....LOL!!!

Hallmark Christmas Movies

This past week, I've been watching Christmas movies on the Hallmark Channel. Some are good, some not. Regardless, they make me feel good. That's what's important. To me, it's uplifting. They remind me of taking things in life in a positive way. Though very difficult at times, most of the time even, there's always some good to focusing on the good while we're traveling through life. We're still alive, aren't we? What matters is we still have the people we love. That's how I see it. Those people who truly love you will always be there for you, regardless. I don't have too many of those. But, with those I do have, I know for a fact that they will always be there for me. I don't want to lose any one of them from the list. I want to add more to the list. They are my family. Jim, for sure, has been and will always be on my list. Jim is my family. Eventually, my family will think of Jim as family, too. I would like to think of my life as a Hallmark movie. I don't know the ending. I have gone through a lot of ups and downs of life. There will be more, certainly. I have a feeling things are leading up to the climax. If I can survive it, the good ending will come. I have hope. I hope. I believe. On this Christmas season, I just know that God is watching over my family and me. I thank God for my family and what I have now.