The Swing

It's 8:30 pm.  I am sitting alone on the patio swing that Jim and I assembled a few years back.  The garden lights just lighted up the trees in front of my eyes.  I can't see the back pond anymore, though I can hear the waterfalls and the stupid frogs on my right.  On my left, the cockatiel keeps on whistling.  Sometimes, it would say hello to me.  The sky in front of me is getting darker quickly, leaving just a little brightness above the tree line across the pond.  The climbing rose next to the swing has made it's way to cover the right half of the top of the swing.  If Jim were sitting next to me right now, the roses would touch his face.  But the swing is half empty, just me and three little pillows. 

Tonight, we celebrate two of my sisters' birthdays.  The food was plenty and good.  I didn't really join them.  I took my plate and sat at the stairways to eat by myself.  I was afraid I couldn't hold my tears.  My mom, dad, two sisters, and one brother asked where Jim was.  The others didn't seem to care, as they never seemed to care before.  Multiple thoughts went through my mind:  I love Jim; I miss Jim; I want Jim to share the good food (I specifically requested my niece to make the appetizer that Jim liked; I also requested my mom to make the baby clams that Jim liked); did we make the right decision?; we did the right thing; I want Jim to go to the Gay Pride thing this weekend; I want Jim to rejoin the Gay Dad group; I want Jim to be happy; I worry about Jim; will Jim find time to eat?; will Jim take good care of himself?; I love Jim; I love Jim; I love Jim. 

It's too dark now.  There are more mosquitoes than a few minutes ago.  I'm going inside.  Tonight is the first time I really treasure this swing.

Jim & T: Over :(

So, this is it.  The end of Jim and T.  Five years, and now it's over.  It wasn't a surprise.  We both deep down knew this day would come.  We loved each other; we do and always will.  We both tried hard in our different ways.  But...yes, there's always a BUT, which is more like a BUTT, in life that makes it colorful...here we are:  Over. 

I pretty much knew what I had to do when Jim blogged about feeling depressed.  A major part of his problem was me.  I couldn't give him what he needed.  After our multiple unwanted break-ups (four?), I am a Pro.  I figured he knew he had to move on but didn't want to hurt me.  I knew I couldn't be selfish and hold him back.  I knew I had to say it first.  I had to suggest the break up.  And Jim agreed.  I guess he wanted to make sure I was ready to minimize hurting me.  Usually, I came to stay at Jim's every other Wednesday, unless there's some schedule problem with K's schedule.  Then I would come the next Wed.  I saw him last Wed.  This week, I wanted to come see Jim again, but he wanted to come see me, instead.  I knew then that he had made his decision.

In a way, I feel a sense of relief.  I love Jim too much to let him fall into a depression.  I don't think he really feels depressed.  He's perfectly willing to adapt to K's schedule to take care of and be with his kids.  He's a good and caring father.  He lives less than ten minutes away from K's house, and he's pretty much there until at least 10 pm every night.  K's schedule is usually his first priority.  Her date nights usually take priority over our planned dates.  I honestly didn't mind because I never wanted to cause him more stress than he already had.  I think what Jim felt was a trap that was difficult for him to get out.  We loved each other very much.  Jim very much wanted me to become his true partner.  He had to settle for what I could give him hoping it would change in the future.  The trap was that he had no certainty nor was he promised any certainty. 

Jim wanted to be able to spend time with his kids (at K's house) and have me there when he gets home.  But if I could just be there every Wednesday, he would have been happier.  How long that would have last, I don't know.  He wanted it all, but he didn't ask much from me.  It's I who couldn't step up the plate.  I have so much on my plate that my best try wasn't enough.  The bottom line is we both tried very hard, and I couldn't and didn't give Jim what he needed.  It's more like I couldn't guarantee that I would give him what he wanted, which was very simple:  a true partner.  I know that if I could give him a glimpse of hope that what he wanted with me would materialize sometimes in the future, he would have stuck with me forever.  However, I could never mislead Jim, or anyone.  I couldn't make empty promises. 

My five years with Jim have given me a serenity in my crazy, hectic life and, most important of all, a forever best friend.  In a way, I am glad that we came to an end.  This was the only way for Jim to find what he really needs and deserves.  Sometimes, the best gift you could offer to the one you love is to free him.  I am very sad, but I know I did the right thing.  I know Jim did the right thing.  I know for sure whoever his future partner is would be very lucky to have Jim.  I wish him the best and will forever be there for him.

It's just...I love him so much...

No More Chopsticks at Restaurants

My dad heard on the news that the Chinese used some type of bleaching chemicals when they made those chopsticks that we find at the restaurants.  This is not a surprise to any of us.  The Chinese are very notorious for doing things like this.  We have shied away from food imported from China.  Now, chopsticks, too? 

Tonight, my dad wanted to go to a local Vietnamese restaurant.  He rarely or likely never wants to go to a Vietnamese restaurant because he really likes my mom's cooking.  So, when we go out to eat, he mostly wants to go to an American restaurant, like any good steak house.  My sisters recently took my parents on a long trip visiting the Mid-West, where Asian restaurants were rare.  The day they got back, we took them to this Vietnamese restaurant, where the food is ok.  However, because they were craving for Vietnamese food, everything tasted wonderful.  To make the story short, my dad wanted to go back there again, tonight, to everyone's surprise.

About my dad, he's the typical Asian dad.  He rarely talks; but when he does, we don't want to go against his wish...And, yes, Jim, I'm 46, and I'm still afraid of my parents.  He's 80 years old, what's wrong with a little indulgence.  OK...my dad is more like a dictator.  None of us wants to deal with the after-shock effects...too much headache.

Anyways, when we arrived at the restaurant, my sisters and I pretty much knew that he would not forget about the chopsticks.  Indeed, he didn't.  So, I had to tell the Vietnamese waiter to give us 6 forks.  He looked at me a little funny.  What was funny was we actually had to eat the noodle soup with forks!  It was weird, the whole table of Vietnamese eating noodle soup with forks.  When does that happen?

I know this is a free country and we can eat however we want to.  But this was just odd.  I imagined myself standing back and looking at us.  It was such a funny picture.  My sisters and I couldn't stop laughing.  Of course, my dad didn't notice anything because he has severe hearing loss.  We were more scared to upset him than scared of the chopsticks.  And, yes, Jim...we are all more than 40 years old.  We should get therapy...LOL

Ungrateful Asshole

 

I am pissed! 

My neighbor from across the street has a big dog that looks like the one in this picture.  He does have an invisible fence.  Somehow, this morning, the dog got loose.  When my sister and I backed out of our driveway to go to work, we saw this dog running toward some guy, who was around in his 30s and was jogging toward our house.  The dog advanced toward him as he backed away slowly. 

When we didn't see the dog back off, we backed our car toward the dog and honked.  The dog eventually ran back to his house but still barked and wanted to charge at the guy again.  I rolled the window down and yelled at the dog.  So, the guy got away safely.

This evening, when I got home and checked my emails, there was an email from the HOA inquiring about my chihuahua and invisible fence.  What the heck! The asshole reported us!

Two-Spirited Navajo People

My oldest sister is now vacationing at the Land of the Navajo.  This afternoon she bought a book about the Navajo People and couldn't wait to tell me what she gathered from this book. 

My oldest sister is not homophobic in the negative way.  She loves me very much, and it hurts her knowing that I am gay and having to burden the difficulties of a gay life.  More so, she's afraid that I would be hurt.  For a long time, she had refused to talk about my sexuality or about homosexuality. 

Tonight, she was so excited to tell me the story of the creation of the Navajo:

According to the Legend of The Third World, the First Woman and the First Man bore five sets of twins.  Three sets were obvious men and women.  Two sets were neither men nor women.  The three obvious-men-women sets got married.  One of the two neither-men-nor-women sets got married anyway.  The remaining set, however, didn't get married but did pottery, instead. 

These Ancient Navajos must have been VERY keen!

Aliens

The other day, I was pondering about Aliens.  No, I'm not talking about the Hispanic guys who worked on my garden.  I'm talking about ET.  I do think there are Aliens out there somewhere.  I bet you there are a whole bunch of gay Aliens out there as well.  Who knows, with their advanced intelligence, they might be able to create a gay Alien baby from two gay Alien sperms! Alien sperms probably have huge heads.   Aliens don't have eggs, so there ain't any lesbian Aliens...SORRY!  I don't really think these gay Aliens look like the way they have been depicted by us.  They have to look more colorful.  They are gay, for God's sake.  I think those "Aliens" we captured or found dead were not Aliens.  They were the Alien monkies who were sent to Earth as an experiment.  I wouldn't be surprised if their monkies are extremely advanced.  They probably talk, too.  All that time we thought they were Aliens when, in fact, they could have been just highly intelligent Alien monkies...gay ones.

My Blue Koi Pond

My garden make-over is kind of almost done...So much work, darn it!  So many things to do, so little time.  Technically, I shouldn't have to do anything but enjoy the garden after the landscapers finished their work.  However, these landscapers were jerks.  I paid them a lot of money, but they didn't do a good job.  Now, I have to fine-tune it myself...GRRR.

I added a number of spray heads to some irrigation zones this evening after work.  Still have a lot to go.  I also added bacteria, algae killing stuff, and...a blue dye to the koi ponds.  I ordered this package with different types of good bacteria to make the pond water look clear, and they included this blue dye which stated as safe for the fish. 

Well, I put too much dye into the ponds.  Now, the water is really, REALLY BLUE.  It's so blue it's not even funny!  I'm not too worry about this though.  However, all the fish started to come up...probably to get air.  I am so worried now.  I hope they won't die. 

Two weeks ago, I put about 10 little koi into the new, small koi pond that I had just finished.  The water wasn't clear, so I couldn't see any of them.  I found two of them, but...DEAD.  One got stuck in the pump; one floated...Jim found it on Sunday.  I wasn't sure how many of them were left until tonight when five of them came up for air.  I think I put too much dye.  What am I saying?  I did put way too much dye.  Sigh...I hope the fish will live.

I will be so sad if I woke up tomorrow and the fish all died.  Unless I won the lottery tonight...

Mermaids are real

Growing up, I had always been curious about Mermaids and Extraterestrials.  I searched and searched about them.  I spent a lot of time in the library just to read about them.  But, all I found were myths.  However!  Now, with the rich resources of today's internet, I just stumbled into some old documents with very reliable consistencies.  I will share with you information about the Mermaids today. 

In Ancient Japan, actually up until the 19th century when the Ninja practice still existed, Ninja masters took in students.  Each Ninja master would choose one loyal student to accompany him everywhere he went.  He would teach this student everything.  In turn, the student was to obey him in every way, every demand, including sex.  The students were to always assume the bottom position.  When the students grew up and left the masters and became masters themselves, they would then take in their own students.  They then became the tops. 

However, it didn't always happen that way.  Some of the new Masters loved being the bottom so much, they lied about their age and joined other groups as students.  The Association of Ancient Japanese Ninjas later found out, investigated, and stripped off all the Master titles from these Ninja Masters and shipped them all to one of the Polynesian islands where they were to make flower necklaces to sell to the Ancient Greeks and Romans.  When the Ancient Greek and Roman merchant ships sailed by the island, these ninjas would dress up as geishas and lured these sex-deprived men into having sex with them.  They showed these men the art of gay anal sex.  These Greeks and Romans loved it so much that they introduced it to their people when they returned to their homelands.  They called it "bottom-me".  Over time, some high-ranking Greeks with speech problems called it "soddom-me".

The ancient merchants around the world started to frequent this island.  Some unknown artist without much talent drew these ninjas wearing kimonos and passed around.  Through a couple of centuries and bad artists, these kimonos started to look at tails.  People started to call these ninjas as Merchant Maids.  Later, it was shortened as Mer-maids.  Later, King Henry the XI of England took a trip to this island.  It was told that he didn't have a good time, so he sent some of these Mer-maids to Hawaii.

I am happy this morning

It's been a pretty hectic season at the clinic.  We actually lost quite a number of patients due to the lack of providers.  However, we have also gained quite a number of new patients from words of mouth.  They are still lining up in front of the clinic every morning.  I'm not complaining.  I am glad of the stability my clinic has. 

I finally found two PAs that seem very loyal and enjoy working with our patient population.  They are not the smartest PAs, but they work as a team and, most important of all, know the limit of what they know, just like we (my sister and I) do.  I am very afraid of providers who think they know too much.  Another good news is that I will have another, potentially good, PA coming this March.  The waiting time for my patients would be tremendously less.  This will cost me tons of money, but the stress would be less for everyone.  I already hired another regular staff in preparation of his coming here.  This is because the more providers I have, the more interpreters I will need.  More expenses...

I am very happy because I will have more time to spend with Jim.  I think about that all the time.  Pretty much every day now, I am exhausted with being overworked.  Emotionally, I am content.  Physically, I am not.  To think about it, I am still OK physically, it's just that I have so many things to do with very little time.  I want to enjoy life now and in the future.  Getting toward that goal, I have to prepare and build up to it.

At home, I just kind of finished the koi pond in the front yard.  Actually, I didn't do it.  I just designed and directed and helped people do it.  It looks pretty good.  I still have to hide the pipes, but it's been too cold.  I'll do that in April.  Maybe I'll just show someone to do it for me.  I don't mind doing it, but the frogs are already there.  And I am afraid of them.  I detest them....

I already have a group of landscapers starting to put down pavers to create a patio around the pond and on the sides of the house.  It's going to be nice.  I will have them put down a lot of flowers and plants.  I often envision Jim and I sitting at the patio surrounding the pond, under the cherry blossoms, looking at the moon, once in a while stealing a kiss.  Then, we can stroll around the garden along the pathway.  The dim lights highlighting the patios will be just enough for the two of us.  My garden is large enough for my family and for Jim and me to enjoy separately at the same time.  This year, my goal is to have more bonfires, with Jim, of course.  I will put more plants, flowers at the firepit area and along the border of the pond so when we look out into the pond there would be more than just water and the houses on the other side of the pond.

I love colors.  I love plants.  They make me feel happy.  They make me look at the positive sides of things.  And I love to share that with my loved ones:  Jim and my family. 

I just have a feeling that this year Jim and I will enjoy life a little more.   I am so happy thinking about it.