Jim, You Need to Settle the Score!

Jim told me there was a 70% chance of rain today while I was busy watering some of my plants that didn't get enough water from the sprinklers, but I didn't listen to him. I went ahead and watered them anyway. Now, it's pouring. But, if I didn't water them and rain didn't come, I would have to water them after work tomorrow. I'd be too tired.

Sometimes, I think it's a curse that I have this huge garden. It's hard work. My mom and I have spent a lot of time in it. My sister helped some. It's getting much better but not where I can just relax and enjoy yet, maybe next year.

Today, my mom and I put down eight Roses of Sharon (Hibiscus that lives through the winter in our area). I bought them probably a couple of months ago, I think, but I have been too lazy to plant them. It's been so hot here. Today was milder.

Now, it's raining hard. There have been a lot of thunder and lightning. Jim loves thunder and lightning. I don't love them. But I love Jim. So, every time there's a thunder storm, I miss him a lot. I miss him all the time. But, I miss him even more tonight.

"Mee mizz ju, ju, Zim!"

"But, Dear Confucius, he's my boyfriend!"

"Mee wang eem!"

"NO!"

"JEZ, JEZ, JEZ...!!!"

"Grrr...."

Will Power

I had lost a total of 4 lbs in three days, as of yesterday. I ate ok yesterday and this morning, not so bad but not so good to be proud of. I'm not sure I lost any more pound, but as long as I haven't gained any back, I'd be happy.

But...Life always has a but in it! Crap! For dinner today, my parents want to go to the Chinese Buffet Restaurant we usually go. It's kind of a fancy Chinese Buffet place that has a lot of unhealthy but good food. Are they trying to test my will power or something?

I am weak...no will power when it comes to habits. Thank God I don't drink or smoke or do drugs. If I do, I'm not sure I could quit. One of my habits is watching the Golden Girls. I have watched all of their episodes over and over again, and I still watch it, very late every night. I don't even know why now. I have a habit of taking several showers a day...well, I think that's good. I have a habit of eating a lot of sweet/snacks...It has been hard over the last few days. I kind of relapsed last night...OK, I relapsed big time...LOL. People in a lot of countries are starving. Imagine living in America and can't even eat!!! I also have no will power when Jim is near...I have to grab him...LOL...But, he's an animal! If I don't grab him, he'll grab me! Yesterday, we watched Zoo Keeper, and I learned a very good lesson. I'm going to apply that to Jim. You have to watch it to know. I will control him...!!!

I am debating...I have only three more pounds to lose. Should I just eat and work on it later? Grrr...grrr...grrr...

On another note, Jim's kids have no problem with him being gay. They didn't act any different toward me yesterday either. I was right. I am always right. Jim should worship me and worship whatever I say from now on!!!

"Tess jour weel powuh wee mee."

"Dear Confucius, why are you naked?"

"mee tess jour weel powuh."

"But you are like...more than a hundred years old!"

"Confucius no cang fook but Confucius helve a weewee."

"EW!!!"

Snack Withdrawal

I am currently in withdrawal!!!

Yes, withdrawal from sweets, from snacks, from sodas, from food!!!!!!!

It's so uncomfortable.

My stomach feels empty. It should be filled with my mom's delicious dinner. Even the left-overs would be perfect. It should be filled with the cookies, the Doritos chips, the beef jerky, the chocolates, yeah...my chocolates...yum yum.

My throat is quenched with thirst...Isn't that horrible? It should be quenched with the sweet sodas, coke, diet coke, 7-up, lemonade...whatever, as long as it's sweet, as long as it's not plain water!!!

I am suffering!!! I'm restless. My body itches. My neck tenses up. I can't focus on my TV programs...

Usually, I give myself 5 pounds, give or take, from my ideal weight to set the limit. But, I rarely let myself go 3 pounds past my ideal weight. The reason is my extra weight will just go straight to my belly, not my chest or anywhere else of importance. Over the past couple of months, I've let myself go and gained 7 pounds over my ideal weight as of yesterday.

I've been eating so much...eating in, eating out, no matter! I've been eating more than I needed. On top of that, I stacked a whole bunch of junk food in the pantry. I didn't just snack here and there; I snacked everywhere! I usually start with some sweets. Then, I would reason myself that I need something salty to balance the sweet. Then, I would go back to the sweets, then the salty, then the sweet, then the rest of everything else in the pantry. Then, I would be so thirsty. There goes another coke. Well, I have switched to diet coke mostly. For the last few days, we have been out of diet coke. I had to substitute it with chocolate milk...it tasted so good!

I am so tempted to run downstairs to get some snack now...grrr. I am weak.

Yesterday morning, after gulping down two and a half donuts, I decided that I had to eat less and take control of my weight. I don't want to get diabetes. A lot of my family members have diabetes. Plus, I want to keep my figure...LOL. I want to be beautiful in and out for Jim, my loving boyfriend. I mean in and out...of my clothes...:))) Plus, I have accepted to sing for two upcoming fundraising events for the less fortunate children in Cambodia and Vietnam, one in August and one in September. I don't want my belly to bulge out every time I take a deep breath.

So, since dinner of yesterday, I have been good. No snacks. I have also cut down the amount of rice. This afternoon, I ate some french fries and only half of a baconator from Wendys. I love Wendys' baconator. It tasted good...all half of it! I had never ated just half of a baconator...grrr. The good thing was I lost 2 pounds as of this evening before I left work. And, dinner tonight was very good. I ate only 2/3 of what I used to eat lately. I wanted to just eat half of what I used to eat, but the temptation kicked in. And, so far, I have not yet touched any snacks.

I am not one who cares so much about eating. But whenever I intend to diet, ANY food looks good...grrr...grrr...grrr.

"Mee dear jile, jome-ting wong wee ju?"

"Just snack withdrawal!...And...your accent! My boyfriend complained that he couldn't understand you!"

"Bahd tempuh bring ju fad ahss!"

"Your accent confuses me!"

"Wy ju tink I geg mee lame?--Confucius (Confuse us), geg ich? khee...khee...khee."

"Grrr..."

Grrr...

My canary with the stroke died yesterday. I am so relieved. I didn't mind hand-feeding her, but seeing her suffer was a different thing...so sad.

"Deeve fry huh!"

"No, Dear Confucius! I will not deep fry my bird!"

"Lightang up meng. Ich soony lay...bee eppy!"

"Dear Confucius, please excuse me, I have to go wire the pond border to prevent the Canada geese from coming up and eat my new grass."

"Jor lew aa...ss?"

"NO! Grass!"

"Boo-eng-no! Mee go jee-tuh-dee Jee-pang-neesh! Woast mee a guse for leener...Gra-jee-ass, mee ah-mee-go!"

"Grrr..."

My Bird Got A Stroke

Over the last week, I had diagnosed two patients with prostate cancer, one patient with liver cancer, a patient with pulmonary embolisim, a whole bunch of patients with diabetes, and a 37 year-old patient and a 40 year-old patient with a stroke. Too many sick patients at the same time. Too many bad news to break to patients.

Then, when I came home last night, I found one of my female canaries limping. Several days ago, her leg got caught in the bamboo nest and one of her toes was cut off. I didn't know that until last night. I saw blood on her before but thought that the calcified scales on her foot broke off. She likes to lay on her nest, usually. Yesterday was no different. I thought she was just sleeping. When I reached in to touch her, she didn't move. When I tried to picked her up, she flew down but couldn't land on the perch.

I picked her up. She looked hypoglycemic. I guess she had not been able to get to the feed bowl to eat. I mixed some baby bird food and fed her with a syringe. She woke up. I put her in a small cage by herself. That was when I found out she could not use her good leg. It just exaggerated to the side. I checked the joint, and it was not dislocated. She sat in the cage with her head drooping to the side. This was very heart-breaking--a tiny bird suffering a stroke.

She's still alive this morning, but she still looks the same.

I feel sad for my patients and my bird all the same. We never really know what's going to happen next in our lives. It's kind of scary.

ATS

Usually, when I wake up in the morning, I turn on the TV to check on the weather for the day and the whole week. This is just so that I could know if I should turn off the sprinkler system.

The soil in my garden is not of consistent quality. In some areas, there are decent soil. In some, it's very dry that requires abundant watering. In most, it's clay based which retains water. On top of that, I planted so many different types of trees and plants which require different amount of water. It would be simple just to match up the type of plants and soil based on their water need and soil condition. However, I want to have plants and flowers everywhere in my yard year round. This is why it's very tricky. On top of that, the water pressure from each sprinkler head in each zone is not the same...Grrr!!! So, almost all of my plants are good now. There are just a few that I have to make sure there's enough water or not too much water.

A week ago, I had people killing all the bad, old grass and seeding new fescue. Because of the summer weather, I had to water it a lot. Unfortunately, we had three consecutive days of storms and hard rains. Two of my cherry blossom trees drown! Grrr!!!

This summer is crazy. It's so hot. This morning, the weather man warned us about the heat which could make us feel like 110 degree by mid-day. I can't make it with heat like that. I have RAD (Reactive Airway Disease, kind like asthma). If I smell cigarette smoke or am in extreme heat, I just cannot breathe.

Thank God, I work inside and under air conditioning. I thought I was saved from the heat. I thought my RAD would be fine. But!!!, today, I developed ATS. I could barely breathe!

There was a really sick patient, exhibiting severe headache and vomiting, who was brought to our clinic by her husband. Under this extreme heat, he wore a sleeveless T-shirt. He didn't wear any deodorant. On top of that (my third "on top of that"), he kept on raising his arms when he talked. On top of that, he was from Butal. That means I had to have an interpreter. So, I had to stay in the room much longer. I was INTOXICATED!!! LOL...

I didn't feel good. I had ATS--Armpit Toxic Syndrome...

:)))

Confucius said: "Thou jshall lot openg armpeet eef ich jee-mell"

:)

Today, I had to send a letter of discharge to one of my patients. Why? She was inappropriate with a male staff of mine.

This is a Hispanic woman who had come to our practice twice for treatments of STD's. On her first visit, she brought with her a man she called her husband. During the second visit, while interviewing her, my Physician Assistant figured out that this man, who accompanied her, was actually her brother-in-law who she had been having an affair with while her husband was still in her country.

Today, when one of my male staff called her to relay a message, she told him multiple times that she was naked and stated that he was handsome and asked for his phone number. This is my youngest staff, who is only 22. Poor guy, he was shaken up by that.

Because he was shaken up by that and felt very uncomfortable, I had to reassure him that I will discharge her from our clinic. I figured most guys would have been flattered whether they liked it or not. I guess my staff felt violated...:))) Regardless, she was wrong.

I thought it was a little funny, though.

East Meets West Symphony

On Thursday night, Jim and I went to a symphony. The theme was East Meets West.

It was very interesting. The symphony consisted of multiple instruments, some western, some oriental. When compared to the usual orchestra, one would never have thought that such mixture of instruments could bring such heavenly sounds. The main instrument was the accordion. This was paralleled with the oriental flute. Surprisingly, when augmented with the occasional violin, harp, harmonica, and tuba, one cannot help but remain wide awake to enjoy the music.

Actually, this was the night Jim slept over. He snored the accordian. I snored the flute very gently. The crickets were the violin; the ceiling fan was the harp; the rain was the harmonica; and the stupid frogs were the tuba.

Regardless of all the wonderful noises, I loved holding Jim and being held by him in my bed.

Reflections

It's been a long time since I've had a peaceful two-day weekend for myself. The last one was on Memorial Day, but I had to fly to California for my nephew's wedding. It was very hectic. While yesterday was a busy day for me, it wasn't a work day. I had planned to do a number of chores today, but it feels so good just laying in bed now that I have decided to just relax. I deserve it.

I'm looking out the window of my bedroom right now, and the sun is dancing through the leaves, flashing rays of light, at times stronger, at times dimmer...so peaceful. The sky above it seems to respond to the flickering sun, sometimes clear blue, sometimes with a touch of fog. I don't know why, but I have not heard the birds yet. It's amazingly quiet. All I can hear is the soft sound of the laptop next to me and the breezing sound of the ceiling fan right above my bed. The soft white curtain sheer moves gently as if there were a real breeze passing by. My sister in the next room is still sound as sleep. There is not at all a snoring sound since I am already awake.

Normally, I would turn on the TV the minute I wake up. Today, I'm not going to destroy the serenity of my quiet day. It is days like this when I reminisce the days when I was still in my country, more than thirty years ago. It's frightening how time flies.

Those days, I was still an innocent, little kid struggling through the hands of the communists, trying to help my mom make ends meet...an eight -year-old son of a University professor selling candies and bananas. The world was foreign to me after the communists took over South Vietnam. I was totally happy that I was able to help make money to survive. I never thought of it as a chore. But what I wondered in my little mind was what happened and why were things so different. We were poor before the communist came but not like that. Suddenly, we had to eat rice mixed with either corn or yucca, or sweet potato. And there was so little to eat, too. The world turned up side down. The old world that I belonged to disappeared.

Then, we escaped. In the U.S., everything was completely new. Even though we had to struggle for a long, long time, it was still heaven. Regardless of how poor we were, we never had to worry about not having enough food or clothes. But it has not been the same. Everywhere we turn, people look different, and they look at us differently. Many of the days of my high school years, having lunch at school was not peaceful. A lot of times, the other kids loved to throw food and milk at us. Sometimes, I found myself standing in the middle of a whole bunch of kids fighting. Sometimes, while walking home, kids from the school bus would spit at me or laugh at me. They thought we lived in little huts in some rice fields or some jungles somewhere. The world was very different for me. I just finished sixth grade in my country, so jumping into high school was a huge change. On top of that, school was not a friendly place. On top of that, I had to work some to help my family.

I showed them, though. I graduated number one in my class. They were not laughing then. But, I still never could feel belonged. Then, I realized I was gay, not just different; I was gay. The world, again, changed. And, from then, my life became a whirlwind...one that was mainly created by fear, by ME.

So, I never feel belonged. Even if the communists are gone in my country, I still don't want to go back and live in Vietnam. It has been changed. The people there are way different. Because of their struggles to survive, a lot of them just care about how much money you will give them. A lot of them have mentalities that are strange to me. I don't belong there any more. I don't want to go back there. I want to preserve the memories that have of my country.

Yet, I don't feel belonged here either. Patients still call my office and ask if I speak English. Neighbors still ask if we own some nail salons.

On top of that, I am gay. How can a gay man feel belonged?

Well, one good thing is that these are just my reflections. It's been a long, long time since I yearn to live in Vietnam. I'm very thankful I am where I am. And I have realized that there are a lot of nice Americans, too. If some of them don't like to be around me, let that be their problem. And, I love me as a gay man. I thank God that I am at peace with that.

So, on a peaceful day like today, I thank God that I live in a free country. I thank God I don't have to feel belonged to be happy. I thank God for my family, my boyfriend Jim, and all of my friends.

...

"What did you say, Dear Confucius?"

"Feelean beenong eez zust eng hallu-cing-na-cheong! Geg duh elle out off jour goom eng loo jome ting!"

:)

I Am Having a Fight with My Confucius

I had a nightmare last night!

In it, I was told I had to repeat school. Now, to me, that's horrible! I hated school! I finished it, but I hated it.

I didn't hate it because it was uninteresting or difficult. I hated it because of the pressure. Actually, I did it to myself. I had a very bad study habit. I rarely showed up to class and never failed to leave the studying to the night before the exam. This was in my undergrad years. I blamed it to my working full-time while in school. But, it was my laziness. Then, in med school when I did not work that much, I also skipped class and waited until the last few days before the exams to study. Well, this was dangerous. My adrenaline was at the utmost during exam time...so much pressure. But, I kept on repeating the pattern. I blamed it to my somewhat depressive mood from having to constantly worry about hiding my sexual orientation from other people...But, I was so lazy, too.

Anyway, because of all this pressure, I have often had dreams in which I have to take some stupid courses to finish my Bachelor degree. And, in these dreams, I didn't go to class and didn't study. I never graduated. I often experienced so much pressure and woke up tired. Last night, I had the same type of dreams. In my dream, I was supposed to learn something, but I did not finish the class.

When I woke up, I was so tired but relieved that it was only a dream. But, what did my subconscious try to tell me? What did the dream mean? What was I supposed to learn? What was the lesson to be learned?

Well, I woke up late, so I had to hurry up for church. After church, my sister and I went to Michaels to by some silk flowers to make a center piece arrangement to put on top of the kitchen curio. Before my parents went off on vacation, my mom wanted me to buy a silk flower arrangement from Silkflowers.com. I bought several from them before but only liked one. They always look nicer in the pictures than in real life. And, they are so expensive, too. With shipping and handling, a decent medium-size arrangement is about $400.

So, I was determined to do it myself. How hard can it be? I can do a lot of things if I want to. This shouldn't be different. So, at Michaels, my sister and I picked out a whole bunch of flowers and leaves. Wow, they looked very real. Even my lesbian sister who never had any interest in flowers (she's not at all butchy...lol) was impressed.

I was not impressed, however. Damn, it cost me over $200! We both left the store laughing. "I better make it look good!" Well, I did it. I like it, and my sister likes it, too. But, it's too big for the curio. No problem, it looks fine in front of the fireplace. Whew!

So, was this what my dream was telling me to learn? to arrange flowers?...???

I'm not sure. I have to ask my Confucius.

"Dear Confucius, what is the lesson I am supposed to learn?"

"Orduhr duh Gog Tem fower fom inc-tuh-neg!"

"But, Dear Confucius, ordering flowers from the internet costs so much. And, my arrangement looks good, too."

"Nook nike jit!"

"Looks like what?"

"JIT!"

"Would you be happy if I put a lotus flower in a bowl with a coi fish? Maybe...some bamboo shoots...and a Panda, too?"