Duck

Another hard day at work!

I didn't have any time for lunch today. I didn't even have time to pee until the end of the day. I left the office at around 6:30pm and didn't get home until 7:30pm.

After dinner, I had to transplant a camelia bush. I have had enough experience to know that its roots were probably soaked with water. I replaced it with a hydrangea, which likes water. Hopefully, the camelia won't die. This one had really beautiful flowers.

I then watered the patio and balcony flowers and plants. Then, I cleaned the bird cages and fed the birds. I hated doing this while knowing there was a whole bunch of paperwork awaited me.

It is on these over-worked days that I feel it's a curse I put onto myself having these birds. I constantly have to change the cages, vacuum the floor, and feed them. GRRRRR.....

They look cute, but their poops are not at all cute. What am I going to do with them?

I have to consult with my Confucius.

"Dear Confucius, what am I to do with my canaries?"

"Teep fry tem, mee sjweet jild."

"No, no, dear Confucius. They are neither quails nor pigeons. They are very tiny to deep fry."

"Pig-chong Jy-leese jame jize cang-nah-ree A-mar-ree-cang!"

"How about a duck, instead?"

"Mee jild, mee berry ole, no fook, no cang fook!"

Clairvoyant

I think I am clairvoyant. So many times I have guessed things correctly. Multiple times, I even correctly guessed what my closed friend was wearing and eating while talking on the phones. I remember when she intentionally tested me, it didn't work. But when I suddenly saw things in my mind and confirmed with her, they were, a lot of times, correct. She got scared sometimes.

Last night, I saw my paternal grandmother in my dream. She and I were traveling in North Vietnam, and she was searching for a prophecy pamphlet which said that there would soon be a big earthquake in one of the large cities in China. Somehow, Thailand will be affected. I have a strong feeling this will happen.

Jim doesn't believe I am clairvoyant, though.

I'm going to prove to Jim and you RIGHT now.

I see that Jim is on his way home. He will come with a gift and a big hug and will confess to how much he loves and misses me. I see that I will give him a BIG hug and kiss!

I know what you're thinking, and, NO, I'm not all that crazy, just a little bit.

No, I'm clairvoyant, not flamboyant...You're so mean!

Yes, I'm sexy...So are you!

LOL!!!

Snails Can Give You Gonorrhea!

I didn't know snails could cause gonorrhea and chlamydia!

A river snail climbed up and took a bite on my patient's penis and gave him gonorrhea.

According to my patient, he went with a group of guys to gather fresh-water snails at some lake a couple of weeks ago. He sauteed the snails, and they tasted pretty good, he said. He also told me that, since that day, his penis keeps on dribbling with milky discharge.

I checked, and, indeed, it was dribbling.

"It is gonorrhea. I will have to check you for HIV/syphillis as well. Have you had unprotected sex?"

"No, I don't fool around."

"It only comes from sex."

"But my girlfriend has been with only me."

"Well, either you or she slept with someone else that had it."

"Well...there was this girl that I met a month ago...but she was a nice girl! And the symptoms only started after I went to the lake."

"Then, stop having sex with those God Damn snails, Damn it!"

:)))

(True story, but the snails didn't bite him...lol)

My Dream from Last Night

Jim went to Florida today. Right now, he's probably with his family at SeaWorld. Tomorrow, his ex-boyfriend will join him. I know he thinks I might be jealous.

Naah...I'm not jealous at all. Last night, in my dream, Confucius reassured me that good things will come to me out of Jim's trip. Mind you, I work with a lot of Hispanic people, so the Confucius in my dream was a mixture of Asian and Hispanic.

In my dream, I was climbing up a very high and steep mountainside on uneven stepping stones. I tripped and almost fell down. In my moment of fear, I slipped out, "F.!!!" Instantly, there was an echoic voice from above: "Mee jild, no FOOK...FOOk...FOok...Fook...fook.....(echoing)."

"Dear Confucius, Jim left me behind."

"Tose hu leeve boyfreng beehine jshall weeturn wid a nog op geef."

"But, Dear Confucius, Jim won't have time to think about gifts for me because he'll be with his ex-boyfriend."

"Bayjience, mee sjweet ungney jild; bayjience. No wurrie. Ichs-boyfreng ooglee!"

I, then, took Confucius' words to my heart and hurried down.

"Weemamber, no Fook, mee jild; no fook!"

I woke up...

I am in peace...aaaahhhh.

Fish-Sauce Queen

Whew! Another extremely busy day...over, OVER!!!

Today, I had no break at all, from 8:30am to 6:30pm. I kept running in and out from one exam room to another. By around 2pm, I had to take about a couple of minutes to swallow five or six chicken nuggets because I was getting hypoglycemic. I couldn't even take a pee break. By the end of the day, I was engorged...no, my bladder.

So, we decided to eat out instead. While my brother was going home to pick up my parents, my sisters and I tried to finish our paperwork of the day. We then decided to go to either the Thai restaurant or the Malaysia restaurant that we had gone to before. The food there are pretty decent. So, my sister called home to let my brother know the location. Immediately, my dad said he'd rather eat at home if we were going to have Asian food. What??? He wanted to have steaks!

What is it about steaks that he likes so much? Steaks are nice once in a while but not ALL the time! For most of the times we are out, which is often, he wants steaks...Lone Star, Long Horn, Texas Road House, or at least Chili or Applebee...steaks, steaks, steaks; baked potato, baked potato, baked potato! He does like the food when we took him elsewhere...Thai, Indian, etc. But if we asked, he'd choose steaks. If we don't ask, he's usually not happy.

THEREFORE, we had steaks tonight. I was hoping to have some Asian food, some rice, rice, rice. I want my rice!!! My boyfriend is a rice queen (he's gonna kill me...lol), so, I have to eat rice. Jim is not a meat-and-potato queen!!! Hmmm...this doesn't sound quite right...LOL! I don't just eat rice. I also eat fish sauce. If I eat fish sauce everyday, would that make Jim a fish-sauce queen? NO, NO, NO!!! (a lower case "maybe", maybe?)

I know...I know...I eat a lot of sweet stuff. So, Jim could be a sweet queen. I love my sweet queen, or fish-sauce queen, or rice queen. Whatever Jim chooses to be, I love him very much.

:D

P.S. I'm gonna have to hide. He's gonna kill me...Remember: I love you!!!

Tzen

I hate, really hate, the stupid japanese beetles. I hate them so much they don't even deserve the capital "j". During WWII, the Japanese invaded my country, and they were BAD! They uprooted our rice fields. As a result, a lot of our people died of hunger and famine. One of those people was my paternal grandfather, who was only in his early forties.

One night, years back, I had a dream about my grandfather, though I had never met him before. I got to know him through pictures and an occasional story told by my dad. In this dream, I saw some people placing my grandfather into a wood-box coffin. Since he was tall, they had to break his neck to fit him into it. When I told my parents about the dream, my dad told me that when his family was running away from the war zone, my grandfather was separated from the rest of the family. Later, my dad found out that he probably died of famine. And, indeed, his neck was broken. Did my grandfather visit me in my dream? I don't know.

Damn those Japanese who killed my grandpa back then! Damn the Japanese beetles that have been munching on my flowers and plants over the past couple of weeks. There are just so many of them! They eat and have sex at the same time. All the rose buds are GONE! I've been so excited waiting for my roses of sharon (hibiscus) to come out, and they are also gone. They also ate almost all of the leaves on my cherry blossoms, persimons, Japanese maples, and many others. How dare them eat even the Japanese maples! I'm disgusted by the sight of them. But, I just can't kill them all. I have so many plants.

Jim thinks I overdo it on the plants. I beg to differ! I want to make my house a home, a center of Zen. Well, I don't know much about other people's Zen. But, I invented my own Zen; I'll call it Tzen (T. + Zen)... :) . In Tzen, plants and flowers play a very important role. They can create Tzen. They can also destroy Tzen. They can lead you to different levels of Tzen.

Here are some examples of the different levels of Tzen:

1. Planting flowers/plants--non-Tzen
2. Planting flowers/plants in the summer--non-Tzen Absolute
3. Enjoying the sights of beautiful flowers and scents of fragrant flowers--Tzen
4. Enjoying the flowers while Jim plant them--Total Tzen
5. Enjoying the flowers while Jim plant them in the nude--Tzen Absolute
6. Enjoying the flowers while Jim plant them in the nude then get me drinks--Tzen Nirvana

LOL!!!

Sing Me A Lullaby

I'm not sure if I've come down with the flu or it's just my lack of sleep over the past...forever, but I am exhausted. My body aches all over. I've had a bad headache since this morning. Toward the end of the work day, I lost my balance a little and almost fainted. I didn't tell my staff that because I needed to be strong for them. I also sniffled a little. Usually, these are signs of me getting the flu.

I came home, had dinner, and rested. I still have the headache, but the bodyache and sniffle are better. Maybe, it's just my lack of sleep. I'm stupid. I don't sleep much on purpose. I would stay up very late most nights for nothing meaningful. Most of the time, I stayed up just to watch re-runs on TV. Once in a while, I would get so tired that I dozed off early (around 10pm) and find myself waking up in the middle of the night just to, again, watch re-runs.

To think about it, it has to be from my lack of sleep. Last September, I was sick like this during my very short, 2-day vacation with Jim. I made a mistake by not sleeping much during the two nights before the trip. So, during the trip, I got so exhausted and felt nauseous most of the time. I was very disappointed that I spoiled the most romantic ride along the mountainside with Jim. He was extremely nice to me, though.

Right now, I know I should sleep. I need sleep. I need to turn off the TV and laptop. I need to shut my eyes off. But I can't control myself. My body is already asleep. But my eyes are wide awake. I'm addicted to being awake. I'm addicted to the TV. I feel high.

I'm lucky I'm off tomorrow. My sisters and most of the staff are going bowling tomorrow. I won't. I want to see Jim tomorrow. But I am exhausted. I miss him. I'll make it up to him this Saturday.

No, no sex this saturday. I lobbied for two of the things Jim likes--BBQ pork and sauteed baby clams.

An 80 Year Old Hoot

I'm usually not the one who talks trash about other people's religions. Most religions, in my opinion, teach good things. Growing up with my paternal grandmother being a budhist, my mom a catholic, and my dad a pretend catholic, I had been exposed to both religions.

I attended budhist temples with my grandmother, breathed in a whole bunch of incense smog, then ate a whole bunch of sweets. The rest of the food, I didn't eat. They were all vegetarian. They did a lot of chanting, too. I had no clue what that was all about. But, I enjoyed those times. I enjoyed being with my grandmother.

My grandmother did not want us to be baptized. My mom had us baptized anyway. However, my mom didn't take us to church often. Actually, I didn't remember my mom taking us to church. It was only until I was in fifth grade when my grandmother suddenly changed her mind and encouraged me and my siblings to attend classes for First Communion and Confirmation.

So, I became a catholic and have been one since.

When I came to the US, I was very surprised to find people knocking on our door trying to teach us the Bible. They were extremely persistent, annoying at times.

Anyway, today, I saw a patient who is in her early 80s. She's a tiny Vietnamese lady who smokes a lot, drinks often, and also loves to gamble. She would not quit smoking despite her asthmatic symptoms. And she is a budhist. Apparently, there were some Jehovah's Witnesses who had been trying to convert an 80 something year old woman who has been a budhist all her life. She told me that, for over four years, they had come to teach her their beliefs every Wednesday and take her out to eat every Sunday. How they communicated with her...beats me! At the end of the day, she told me, they dropped her...after four long years!

LOL...She laughed and said it was because she refused to stop smoking, never cut down on her drinking, and continued to indulge in gambling!!! She was a hoot!!!...LOL.

I guess we are who we are...why force to change?

I Admire You

I love kids. I see a lot of them at work, and they are so cute. Actually, they are the best part of my work day. But, I surely don't want to have to take care of them at home. There are just so many responsibilities having children. If you have them, you have to take care of them right, no question about it. Jim loves his kids. And he is one of the most devoted dad I've ever met. That is one of the reasons why I love him very much.

Today, Jim had a bad day. He was exhausted from being at a church function all day with the kids. While I'm glad I don't have kids, I know one day in the future I probably will envy those who sweat themselves now for their kids. I'm pretty sure Jim will soon look back and realize that it was time well spent today. Children know when you care for them. They know when you love them. You will be rewarded with their returned love.

Father's Day is around the corner, I just want to say that I admire all the good dads, all the good gay/bi dads who are struggling with finding out who they are/which path they should take yet refuse to neglect their children's feelings and well-beings.

So...Happy Father's Day.

me not uptight

My sisters and I just came back home from a long day at work. I am exhausted. I called and talked to Jim for a few minutes before I went home. I miss him already.

He was just here last night. We curled up on the couch a little. It was an improvement on my part, I guess. It was the first time we did that while everyone was at home. Even though my family usually leaves us alone, except for my little nephew, I was afraid someone would walk in on us. It's not only the gay thing, but, in our culture, especially in my family, we keep affection of that nature private, regardless. In my opinion, there are things that should be private or rather are more special in private. I like it more that way. I think it's more romantic; it's something that only the two of us share. And then, when we do it non-privately, suspension can be excitement!

Then, of course, some would think that I'm just plain uptight. I don't think so, though. I'm a lot of time up, always tight, but never uptight! Forget I just said that...LOL.

Father's Day

This Father's Day, we'll celebrate at my house instead of going to a restaurant. We used to celebrate a lot of things at home with home-cooked meals. But, lately, we've all been so busy that we often ended up at some restaurants.

As usual, my brothers' families, all three, will all come. In addition, my oldest sister's-in-law brother's family will also be there. I am not too fond of them. Because I like my oldest sister-in-law, I'll put up with them...grrr! My niece and her husband will also be there. And, hopefully not, my gossipy cousin will come. All of them, except my sister's-in-law brother and his family, my cousin, and my second oldest sister-in-law, know I'm gay. Well, I think my second oldest sister-in-law knows. I told my brother to tell her about it, but I don't know if he did. He probably did. The brother that's just a little older than me also has a wife. She's stupid, so I didn't want her to know. They are now hostilly separated because of her stupidity. So, she won't be there for sure.

Because of these people who don't know about my sexuality, I usually refrained from inviting Jim to these family functions. I had always been afraid that my gossipy, nosy cousin would report to her parents about my boyfriend, which would make my mom feel uncomfortable. She doesn't know that my uncle knows I'm gay. Five, six years ago, my mom was so anxious that my uncle would find out about my sexuality that she stressed herself out to the extreme. I had to convince her to tell him the truth to relieve the stress. The now banned, soon to be ex-sister-in-law was also a threat. She has a blabber mouth , and, coupled with her stupidity, I would be out to the whole world.

Now, I think my mom is much more comfortable and at ease with Jim. I know she would be comfortable if my cousin and the stranger family are not around. But, I pretty much know they will be here. So, should I invite Jim anyway?

Actually, I already invited him before I started this post. I have a feeling my mom will be ok. I will test the water. So, heck with the cousin. Heck with my sister's-in-law brother and his family. Heck with the sister-in-law who might not know I'm gay.

Of course, Jim will have to behave and not pat my butt, kiss my cheek, or...until they are gone. One step at a time!

What a Curse!!!

I love nature. There are just so many beautiful things around us, at every turn we make. Sometimes, it's obvious; sometimes, we just need to take a little effort and look for them. But, oftentimes, we just ignore them.

Our lives are usually so busy. We are often so preoccupied with worries, stress, work, etc., that all we can do is to take a ride on a continuous train of routines. And if we're lucky enough, once in a while, we can take a second to inhale a little fresh air or let out a heavy sigh.

I myself work very hard, sometimes not by choice. From the time I get into the office at 8:30am until, most of the time, 6:30pm, I usually work straight with only a ten minute break for lunch. One of the things that keep me going are the little kids that come into the clinic. They are usually so adorable. And when they hug me or get excited when I come into the room, my fatigue just melts away.

At home, I usually just like to be a couch potato, watching re-runs. But, my house has a huge yard, more than two acres. And I want a nice yard. Therefore, I have to spend a lot of time to make it beautiful. I have tried a number of landscapers to help me, but they have all been very irresponsible. They didn't care. They always messed up one thing or another. And if I have to show them every step of the way, I might as well do it myself. So, my mom and I have planted ourselves a lot of plants and flowers throughout last year and so far this year. The yard starts to look nice now, but we still have a lot to do. My goal is to finish it by this fall. I want my yard to have flowers at all times. But I want most of them to be perenials so that I won't have to re-plant anything next year.

I love flowers, flowers in the garden that is. The colors just bring life and energy to the surroundings. They remind me of the positive things in lives. They encourage me to be positive as much as possible. They give me hope. They encourage me to make the best of every situation...at least, most of the time.

They remind me to take an effort to look for the beautiful things God gives us in our lives. These pictures were taken in our garden. At first glance, I could only see the bare trees. But when I looked more carefully, there were the birds. How beautiful! In the cold winter, such tiny creatures can bring us joy. Look at the purple flowers. If you walk in the garden, you probably won't even notice that they are there because they are actually very tiny. But, when you take the effort to bend down and appreciate them, they are as beautiful as the larger iris. Size does not always matter. How about the yellow flowers with the greenish buds and red stems. They don't bloom often, but
when they come out, they are magnificent. They are tropical flowers. They don't fit in in this climate, but they are confident and proud. Then, there are the Canada geese that occupy the
pond behind my house. They are animals. I'm not sure how much they can think, but they are

loyal. They are monogamous. That's nature beauty, isn't it?

There are so many beautiful things around us. I think we should take advantage of them to make our lives happier. I think we should take the postitive things in our lives to help ourselves be happier. I think we should think more positively in regard to every situation we face in our daily lives to enable us to be more at peace with our lives. I think we should inhale the positives of life and exhale the negatives of life.

Life is already so difficult. Being negative won't help. Of course, it's easier said than done. But, we need to try.

Beauty is there if we appreciate it. Happiness is there if we look for it. Comfort is there if we seek it. Loyalty is there if we treasure it. Sorrow will also be there if we dwell on it.

With that said, it looks like I'm going to have to spend the rest of the hot, humid summer working in the garden.

What a curse!!!

:)

I am hiding behind the bush

Double click on the image to see me in the far background.

Weddings! I've gone to so many weddings. I used to sing for a Vietnamese wedding band when I was still in Med school. It was a fun time. Pretty much every Sat. and Sun., the band would pack up and drive to one of the few Chinese restaurants in town to sing at weddings. Sometimes, we didn't get home until 2-3am. After a while, I was sick of ginger lobster. At every wedding, there were the same types of food, over and over again.

However, singing was a good outlet for me during the time when I struggled the most about my sexuality. Every direction I turned, I saw couples seemingly in love, people holding hands, people exchanging soft kisses and endearing looks. And these weddings that I attended...how could there have been such unfairness? Was God watching over me?

I was feeling guilty for being gay. I was feeling hopeless that I would never be loved by nor could show love to another man because coming out of the closet was never an option. There were a lot of girls pursuing me, but, little did they know, they were just barking at the wrong tree. The more polite I was to them, the worse they clinged to me. Your brothers, not you, silly women!!!

Anyways, every time I attended a wedding, my heart just sank...yes, it sank to the bottom. I felt hopeless; I felt lonely...to the extreme; I felt a tingling sensation taking over my body; I felt like a corpse without blood but tears running through the very core of my soul. But, I still sang. I sang my heart out at every wedding. I was in a different world when I sang. I focused on the meaning of the lyrics. I temporarily forgot the reality. I was in a brief moment of peace. I was in a world of pretend happiness. I always ended with a very big smile after each songs. But, as soon as the applauds ended, reality set in. I went home with much sorrow. Then, the following week, I did it again, and again for about three years.

Years have passed, and I have gone through much tears of sorrow, hopelessness, lovelessness. Actually, I couldn't cry for so many years. I felt like crying inside, but no tears came out. It was like I was so numb and frozen that I no longer had tears. I prayed, and I prayed for just a little happiness. Then, God granted me a life changing experience which nearly destroyed me. But, I survived it. I believed in God, and God had guided me. I came out. Yes, I came out to my family and some friends. My life changed. I became happier and happier. God helped me to allow myself to have happiness.

Last weekend, I attended my nephew's wedding in California. Though I didn't sing, I no longer felt sad. I didn't have to hide behind my songs. I was happy. I was happy for myself. I thanked God that I now have love. I have a man, whom I love very much, who very much loves me.

He's Jim.