Sunday, November 27, 2011

I don't want to break anyone's happiness

I just got a comment on my last post by a friend blogger who stated he didn't condone being with someone who's already in another committed relationship.

Please do not misunderstand me for I'm not at all upset by this. To me, every situation, every relationship is unique. Like I have said before, growing up gay, I have learned to be creative with my life, love, relationship. I have learned to accept that I cannot get every thing I want. I have learned to be fluid and to make the best of what life or love offers me.

However, for myself, and just for myself, I would never want to break up or destroy anyone else's relationship. When I grew up, I had been feeling hopeless about finding love and convinced myself that having someone to love and to be loved by would be impossible. I dwelled on the hurt of not having love. I experienced the pain of seeing love but not being able to touch it. I treasure it.

How could I take away love from someone else, right? No, I can't never do that. It's not because I am kind or noble. It's because I know the hurt like it's innate.

Before I met Jim, I was in a short relationship with a gay couple, A and B, who had been with each other for about 9 years. They were actually just looking for someone to play with. They had great pride that they had a very strong relationship. So, they once in a while looked for a third person to have fun with but never had it been more than just a hook up. A initially wrote to me, and I thought he was attractive and nice. I talked to him online several times before he told me he had a partner who also liked my profile.

I finally met them and one of their friends. All three were attracted to me, but I was only attracted to A. A and B and I ended up in bed. Both A and B fell in love with me, and I fell in love with A. After the second time meeting me, they proposed that we have a three people relationship. A and I grew closer and closer. We had so many things in common. I liked B but was not in love with him. But, at all time, I tried to get to know B and treat him like I treated A. We were only intimate when all three of us were together. A was more caring while B was more selfish. Anyway, after a short period of time, B proposed that they each could spend time alone with me. As they became more in love with me, I grew more in love with A. Though I didn't let that show, A showed that he was falling fast for me.

As a result, B was jealous, not against me but against A. He wanted me but was afraid that A wanted me too much. I knew I could not hurt them. I didn't want their relationship to fall apart. The once very strong relationship was now shaken unexpectedly. I knew I had to leave. It broke my heart because I loved A and he loved me. But I had to. I left.

Then, when Jim wrote to me telling me about his situation, I thought God wanted to play games with me. I had met a lot of men who really liked me, but none was as sincere and caring as Jim. The first time I looked at his picture, I just knew that he was the one. I looked at his eyes, and I could see love and sincerity.

When he told me he was married, I thought to myself: "God, why???" But I soon learned that K had allowed Jim to date men since a couple of years before that. Later, Jim told me he wasn't expecting to fall in love with anyone either. Well, it became difficult for K, Jim, and me.

I never wanted to break up their relationship, but it was already broken. I was always ready to leave every time Jim and K wanted to recommit to each other. But they couldn't commit to each other any longer. Jim was now totally gay. He could not pretend any longer. K could not pretend that she could accept an unconventional marriage any longer.

Did I break up their marriage? I don't think I did. I think I broke their denials. Did I do any thing wrong? Should I have waited until they were divorced? I don't know. Perhaps. But I am glad I have traveled along Jim's path over the last three and a half years.

The one question that has always been close to my heart is: "Is it fair for Jim to be with me when I can't be sure when/if we could live together full time?" Every day, I try to work toward that goal. I work very hard on that. There has been a lot of improvement, but I can't still guarantee that that would happen. Am I being selfish? I love Jim very much. I want him to love me regardless. And he does. And I do.

Will this be enough for Jim?

I don't know.

K is now happy with her soon to be husband...a couple more weeks.

Jim is now alone in his house.

He has all my love. Will it be enough?

I can break my happiness, but I do not want to break Jim's happiness just as I didn't want to break A's and B's and K's happiness.

I hope and wish that Jim's happiness will always be with me, regardless.


  1. You are such a stand up person. I am really glad that you finally found the love you were searching for. Having the love that you and Jim share seems very powerful. I am sure that love will be enough to conquer all.

    i thought you were selfish for not leaving your sister and leaving Jim the love of your life alone. This is not accurate though. I was confused, I thought that Jim left K to be with you, when in actuality they left each other. Jim being alone is just circumstance. Being loyal and fulfilling your promise to your sister is very important.

    Thankfully you have found a man who understands this, and most importantly accepts this and still loves you. I am pretty sure it will be enough. Good luck.

  2. Wow, T you've led quite the wild and crazy life! A three way relationship?

    Seriously, if K was letting Jim date (or hookup?) with guys then she knew it was over...just a matter of time. The way it played out was inevitable. It's just great that all parties got a soft landing!

  3. You said "Am I being selfish?" And the answer is an unequivocal YES! You did not break up Jim and K, but you COULD be there now to catch him IF YOU REALLY LOVE HIM! How can you allow him to continue to be lonely? Don't use family, customs, work, or your house to be your excuses. If you LOVE Jim, you will make a life with him RIGHT NOW.

  4. Uncutplus,
    Read my posting on "Fart!"

  5. I can't get over people who want to criticize you for not dropping your whole life, abandoning your culture, your career to satisfy them. You have done more and been more for Jim than any married man leaving a marriage could ever hope for. You've stood by Jim when it must have hurt you greatly to do so. These guys have nerve judging you; they're screwed up plenty of lives (I'm NOT talking about Jim) and been very dishonest with themselves and others in their lives. Yet they demand the people they've deceived forgive them. You on the other hand have done nothing but give... You cannot be everything to everybody. You too have a family, a career, a life apart from Jim. You don't need to be made to feel guilty, like you're not doing enough. Most of these guys would give their right arm for a guy half as supportive as you've been.
    "How can you allow him to be lonely"..what nonsense is that? Jim is a grown man. He may be slightly lonely sometimes...who isn't? He needs to find something to occupy himself just like we all do when the people we love have demanding jobs, families, hobbies, illnesses. It's called being self reliant which from the commnets I would guess not too many of these guys are. I don't blame Jim. He's expressing himself on his blog. That's fine. But these commenters who feel you need to be all things to Jim live in a fantasy. They need to grow up

  6. Wow T. I have a friend (well, we hooked up a couple of times before I met Bill). He was once involved in a A+B+C relationship (he also being C). It ended up exactly as yours. They are still friends but the three don't live together anymore. Only A+B are still together but whenever I went out with C, I knew he was still in love with A. Wow.