I just got a comment on my last post by a friend blogger who stated he didn't condone being with someone who's already in another committed relationship.
Please do not misunderstand me for I'm not at all upset by this. To me, every situation, every relationship is unique. Like I have said before, growing up gay, I have learned to be creative with my life, love, relationship. I have learned to accept that I cannot get every thing I want. I have learned to be fluid and to make the best of what life or love offers me.
However, for myself, and just for myself, I would never want to break up or destroy anyone else's relationship. When I grew up, I had been feeling hopeless about finding love and convinced myself that having someone to love and to be loved by would be impossible. I dwelled on the hurt of not having love. I experienced the pain of seeing love but not being able to touch it. I treasure it.
How could I take away love from someone else, right? No, I can't never do that. It's not because I am kind or noble. It's because I know the hurt like it's innate.
Before I met Jim, I was in a short relationship with a gay couple, A and B, who had been with each other for about 9 years. They were actually just looking for someone to play with. They had great pride that they had a very strong relationship. So, they once in a while looked for a third person to have fun with but never had it been more than just a hook up. A initially wrote to me, and I thought he was attractive and nice. I talked to him online several times before he told me he had a partner who also liked my profile.
I finally met them and one of their friends. All three were attracted to me, but I was only attracted to A. A and B and I ended up in bed. Both A and B fell in love with me, and I fell in love with A. After the second time meeting me, they proposed that we have a three people relationship. A and I grew closer and closer. We had so many things in common. I liked B but was not in love with him. But, at all time, I tried to get to know B and treat him like I treated A. We were only intimate when all three of us were together. A was more caring while B was more selfish. Anyway, after a short period of time, B proposed that they each could spend time alone with me. As they became more in love with me, I grew more in love with A. Though I didn't let that show, A showed that he was falling fast for me.
As a result, B was jealous, not against me but against A. He wanted me but was afraid that A wanted me too much. I knew I could not hurt them. I didn't want their relationship to fall apart. The once very strong relationship was now shaken unexpectedly. I knew I had to leave. It broke my heart because I loved A and he loved me. But I had to. I left.
Then, when Jim wrote to me telling me about his situation, I thought God wanted to play games with me. I had met a lot of men who really liked me, but none was as sincere and caring as Jim. The first time I looked at his picture, I just knew that he was the one. I looked at his eyes, and I could see love and sincerity.
When he told me he was married, I thought to myself: "God, why???" But I soon learned that K had allowed Jim to date men since a couple of years before that. Later, Jim told me he wasn't expecting to fall in love with anyone either. Well, it became difficult for K, Jim, and me.
I never wanted to break up their relationship, but it was already broken. I was always ready to leave every time Jim and K wanted to recommit to each other. But they couldn't commit to each other any longer. Jim was now totally gay. He could not pretend any longer. K could not pretend that she could accept an unconventional marriage any longer.
Did I break up their marriage? I don't think I did. I think I broke their denials. Did I do any thing wrong? Should I have waited until they were divorced? I don't know. Perhaps. But I am glad I have traveled along Jim's path over the last three and a half years.
The one question that has always been close to my heart is: "Is it fair for Jim to be with me when I can't be sure when/if we could live together full time?" Every day, I try to work toward that goal. I work very hard on that. There has been a lot of improvement, but I can't still guarantee that that would happen. Am I being selfish? I love Jim very much. I want him to love me regardless. And he does. And I do.
Will this be enough for Jim?
I don't know.
K is now happy with her soon to be husband...a couple more weeks.
Jim is now alone in his house.
He has all my love. Will it be enough?
I can break my happiness, but I do not want to break Jim's happiness just as I didn't want to break A's and B's and K's happiness.
I hope and wish that Jim's happiness will always be with me, regardless.