Silence

We survived the last week. That is to say my family and I survived the last week. That is to say it was horrible, only on one aspect though: my Dad's old friend. He lives in Vietnam. A couple of months ago, his family in Florida got him a Visa to visit them. Having been apart for over thirty years, my Dad wanted to reunite with him. So, I bought him a plane ticket. My Dad originally asked him to stay for a whole month. Thank God, he only wanted to stay for only one week...one week too long. We are very hospitable people, and we tolerate visitors' behaviors a great deal. But, this man topped them all.

I won't talk about him here, but one thing that had crossed my mind many times during his stay was, maybe, it would have been nicer to be among the Carthusian monks than be with him. The Carthusian monks...how do they do it? How can they be silent all the time? I think they can talk once a week during their communal walk or something like that. For the rest of the time, they have to be silent.

I do wonder about them sometimes. They are divided into two groups. The choir monks mainly pray and plant flowers. The lay brothers do labor work. Now, that's not fair! Wait, I change my mind. It is fair. If this rule is applicable to us, I would be the choir monk because I can sing. By deduction, Jim would be the lay brother who can manually labor...for me! Interesting...

If I were a choir monk, I'm pretty sure I would, at least, once in a while spurt out a soft sound just because my OCD tells me to do so (actually, I only have the OC trait!). Days in and days out, wouldn't you think someone would slip?

How about the lay brothers? After a hard day of manual labor, wouldn't they be a tiny bit pissed off when some choir monks slip them a note saying: "Your bread is too dry, today"? How can they keep all that anger bottled up inside? One day, when one choir monk accidentally sings a wrong note, would they burst out a "BOO"?

Why are there two groups in the first place? Why are there a group of grown men who go into the secluded mountainous area to live together and vow to be silent in the first place? I have a theory.

I think they were a group of gay men who knew they could only be themselves in secret. So, they and their lovers moved to the mountains to live. And, because way back then being gay was unspeakable, no one was allowed to talk about it. So, being in the mountains where everything you say echos back and forth, these gay couple were very careful about what they say. If they said anything homosexual and the echos get to the Cardinal, they could be beheaded.

But, how could a bunch of gay guys who just came out not talk about gay stuff?...like: What is LOL? What is "top/bottom"? What is a rice-queen? How do you make bread? Am I still Bi?...They kept on talking gay; yet, they were so afraid. So, every time someone said something, the whole group would "Shhhh" him. So, the whole day and night, people would hear echos of "Shhhh". "Shhh" here; "Shhh" there; "Shhh" everywhere.

In years, they stopped talking. Or...Maybe, it all started with a cat fight between a gay couple in the group. One gay guy was jealous of his boyfriend after the boyfriend befriended another man. He started a fight and said to his boyfriend, "I'm not talking to you any more!" The boyfriend said, "I AM not talking to YOU!" The boyfriend's friend stepped in, "Neither will I TALK to YOU!" Then joined the boyfriend's friend's boyfriend: "Why are you defending him? I will STOP talking to YOU!" Pretty soon, everyone joined in. It took about three days before all the "I'm never going to talk to you again" echos to stop.

From then on, some of them would stay in their rooms all day fetching up things to scold at their boyfriends when they meet at the communal walk while the rest would manually labor and make breads as a way to apologize to their lovers.

I have another thought. People often curse in some form when accidents happen, like when something dropped on their foot. How do these people curse? Maybe, they have some type of sign language...hmmm...interesting.

I have to go back to my paperwork. This was supposed to be a short break...GRRR.

Addendum: the "lay brothers" are actually "laid brothers". They make breads for the choir monks so they can get laid...that's it.

White Christmas

I love White Christmas. Time seems to pause. Things seem to stand still. Just enough for me to breathe in the peacefulness of a wonderful day off, which will soon disappear.

Well, we didn't have any snow this year. Yet, I did have a White Christmas. Jim visited me last night. He brought me a bracelet, matched with the one he's wearing. It came with a silver-plated box that looked very nice.

I'm not going to wear it. I'm going o put it right on my dresser. I think it's special that way. I don't think Jim understood my way of thinking. He never will. It's more fun that way...for me, at least :))).

Anyways, last night, Jim was MY Christmas. And, since he's White, I had my White Christmas!!!

A Case of Dildo Infidelity

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People show love in different ways.

Jim was pouting and insisting that I told my parents and my family at the dinner table that I love him. Of course, I love him--very much. However, as I told Jim, I don't have to tell them I love him for them to know that. In my culture, we don't usually say we love each other in front of other people or display public affection. We keep it private. We can tell if one person loves another by observing their actions, not necessarily with kissing or saying "I love you." Don't misunderstand me for I do not, by any mean, think there's anything wrong with saying "I love you" or kissing publicly (in a tasteful way). Each culture is different. So, after interacting with people from different countries and extensive researching, I have compiled a list of ways people from different countries show love for each other.

1. USA: say "I love you", kiss passionately.

2. France: French kiss while rubbing each other's butt.

3. Vietnam: blink eyes at each other repeatedly until one gets tired and gives up.

4. Japan: bow their heads while oscillating their tongues.

5. China: make high-pitched bird calls while doing Tai-chi.

6. Cambodia: dance with their hips opposite each other until the male's sarong falls off.

7. Nepal: Nod their heads from side to side in a synchronized way until one gets dizzy.

8. Russia: flap their thighs to their national anthem.

9. German: exchange fake, little mustaches.

10. Ireland: dance in kilts WITH underwears on, unlike usual.

11. Sweden: give naked massages.

Actually, the research was done by Gay Confucius. So, believe at your own risk.

Wedding...

I went to K's wedding with Jim last night. I lost my Driver's License, so Jim, being so sweet like always, came to pick me up at the office.

The wedding was at a horse barn. K really likes horses. K's family already heard about me, so they were not at all surprised that I came with Jim. On the contrary, they were very nice to me, engaging in conversations and all. I felt as "fit in" as could have been, having been the only Asian, who was gay, who was the boyfriend of the bride's gay ex-husband, who dressed nicely, who was at a wedding at a horse barn among a number of country folks.

Jim was very handsome in his suit. He was a perfect gentleman. He made sure I was not left alone to fend for myself (maybe he was afraid to do so...LOL). In real life, I am truly a gentle person, trust me...:))). Anyway, he did a great job in introducing me to the pastor and everyone he knew. They were all polite...

Except for one. This was an average looking guy who came to the wedding with a maroon, pull-over top and jeans. He brought with him a few un-noticeable kids and a very noticeable wife--a man-look-a-like wife. Yes, I'm serious. She had short, spiky hair on top of a boney-structured head on top of a leather jacket and a pair of cowboy boots. On top of that, this was the guy who waved his arms around to form letters while dancing to the YMCA song!

What did he do? Well, when Jim introduced me to them, he looked at me up and down like he was inspecting me. I had a hard time deciding if this was because the fool was homophobic or because I looked so damn hot for him that he couldn't help it. Jim and I looked pretty good dressing up, especially my butt in my form-fitting suit pants...:))) (kidding), but my three-some days were long over.

Anyway, the wedding was uneventful, just very cold, physically cold. The whole time, though, I was worried about how Jim was feeling. He was so worried about how the kids took this event. I felt very sad when K's new husband made a public, verbal pledge to "marry" Jim's kids. I understand that it was difficult for K and AJ to include Jim in their ceremony in any form. He was out of the loop in a number of things, which was perfectly normal. When he was not seated with his children, I thought that maybe they didn't have enough seats, why make it so difficult for them. However, with this pledge, I could feel and see the emotion rising up in Jim. It was as if they were oblivious to Jim's presence. I could feel the sense of loss in him. At that moment, I felt so sad for Jim. I had to hold my tears back seeing how hurt Jim was. I wanted to hug him, but, at that moment, it wasn't a good idea. Any gesture by us could have stolen the center of attention away from K and AJ.

Later, his youngest son signed his name on the guest list with AJ's last name. I think this really affected Jim. I tried to explain to Jim that he was only a 9 year-old child who was confused in the whole process. I tried to explain to Jim that he would always be his best and only dad.

I have never seen a more devoted dad than Jim. I don't doubt that his kids love and will continue to love him. I can't say that I know how Jim feels. I can try to put myself in his shoes and try to imagine how he would feel: a lot of hurt, sadness, loneliness, a sense of profound loss, ...

To those blogger friends out there who have gone through the same path Jim is going through now, please give Jim a few words of encouragement.

I love you, Jim, with all my heart.

Be Open

Rob in Below the Radar thought the relationship between Jim and Me came from a Hallmark movie and asked if we started with a hook-up.

'Grin'...It's definitely not like a Hallmark movie, at least not yet. I watch a lot of Hallmark movies, and I definitely know that it's not even close to a Hallmark movie. This is because Jim has not yet listened to every thing I say. He has not succumbed to the fact that I know best. In a Hallmark movie, Jim would be hanging Christmas lights, putting down tulip bulbs, changing bird cages while I admire him for doing it...LOL...Just kidding, Jim.

To be honest, with Jim, I didn't start as a hook-up. We met at Gay.com. Jim wrote to a number of people, so I don't know if I was his first choice, probably not. At that time, I had just canceled my subscription to Gay.com. And, I think, Jim had just put his profile there. He sent me a little note. I looked at his photo and was drawn to his eyes. To me, there was a kindness apparent when I looked at his eyes. I just knew he was a nice person. We emailed each other first.

I always knew what I wanted. I wanted love. I wanted one person to love and to be loved. I didn't care how we met. I did not set a specific standard. Though, I only met people with photos. To me, there has to be a reasonable attraction. Somehow, I was perfectly ok if people didn't like me, but I always felt bad if the other person liked me and I didn't feel the same way. I like who I am, but I can't force people to like me when they have not yet known me. I was very open. To me, being gay, everyone has his own story, his own situation, his own limitation, if I had a strict standard, I might have missed out on someone wonderful. The criteria I had for myself were simple: 1. I have to be attracted to that person, 2. I prefer my age or older but open to others, 3. honesty, 4. that person cannot date another person while dating me. Everything else was open.

From my experience, and my experience only, a lot of those people who set out to hook-up will settle for love when they met someone they like. I had met different people who started looking for a hook-up, but when we met, changed their minds and wanted a dating relationship with me. To me, it's very difficult for us gays to find people that we like to date. So, oftentimes, we ended up being lonely. So, a lot of us resort to hooking-up to patch up that loneliness while waiting for the right one. Even though I didn't hook up a lot, I met people who wanted to hook up with the confidence that if they liked me, they would stop hooking up. And they did. I live in the South where there are a lot of people who are not into Asians. There are a lot of profiles that say "no Asians". At first, I felt a little insulted, but then I realized it's just a preference. All I had to do was to be irresistable, and they would come...just kidding...LOL.

Actually, I think I converted a few non-Asian lovers... :) Anyway, my point is just be open, you'll never know.

Back to Jim!

I usually don't wait too long to meet when someone I like writes to me or responds to me. I would like to talk and meet him as soon as possible. And if we don't click, fine. So, I emailed Jim and told him about myself, what I was looking for, what I liked, my family situation, etc. and gave him my number. At first, he said he was shy and wanted to email before we talked on the phone. But, I guess he liked what I wrote, so within that one day, he wanted to meet with me. I was very excited.

So, he came down to meet me for dinner. We sat across from each other at a very small table, and I was very nervous. I guess I was nervous because I really liked him. I loved looking into his eyes. After dinner, the rain started to dribble, so we sat in Jim's car. He asked if he could give me a kiss...:))). He kissed me; I touched him slightly on his chest...:))). Then, we said good bye. I felt in love.

At that time, Jim thought he was still bi-sexual, but I knew it wouldn't take him long. Of course, he didn't know how crazy I was. Once he found out, he was already hooked....LOL!!!

Hallmark Christmas Movies

This past week, I've been watching Christmas movies on the Hallmark Channel. Some are good, some not. Regardless, they make me feel good. That's what's important. To me, it's uplifting. They remind me of taking things in life in a positive way. Though very difficult at times, most of the time even, there's always some good to focusing on the good while we're traveling through life. We're still alive, aren't we? What matters is we still have the people we love. That's how I see it. Those people who truly love you will always be there for you, regardless. I don't have too many of those. But, with those I do have, I know for a fact that they will always be there for me. I don't want to lose any one of them from the list. I want to add more to the list. They are my family. Jim, for sure, has been and will always be on my list. Jim is my family. Eventually, my family will think of Jim as family, too. I would like to think of my life as a Hallmark movie. I don't know the ending. I have gone through a lot of ups and downs of life. There will be more, certainly. I have a feeling things are leading up to the climax. If I can survive it, the good ending will come. I have hope. I hope. I believe. On this Christmas season, I just know that God is watching over my family and me. I thank God for my family and what I have now.

Fart!

What's with today?

I started out with an old, senile patient who blamed everyone for every little thing that happened to his life. Fart!

Then, I had a whole bunch of little kids who farted here, farted there, farted all over the place while I examined them.

Then, when I finally got home, very late, very exhausted, I thought I would relax a little by reading the blogs. Wow, a whole bunch of more farts hit my face. Several old farts decided to become psychologists and advised Jim to break up with me.

Granted people are entitled to their opinions, however, when you advise someone to break up with the person he loves who loves him a lot, the least decency and respect you should have is to gather the facts before you fart up your mouth. Then, your opinions would be respected.

Like I have said many times, Jim deserves to have a partner who can totally devote to him. Everyone deserves that. It's perfectly OK for someone to suggest Jim to leave me to find someone else who could give Jim what he wants. Afterall, Jim didn't come out to be lonely.
However, don't shoot off with things that you do not know for sure if they are true.

It's foolish. A senile person who farts off his mouth is understandable. Little kids who can't control their farts are understandable. People who give advice, especially for someone to break up with the person who loves him, with false assumptions sound worse than farts.

God damn, I hate the word "fart", and I am forced to say it so many times in just one fart posting.

Fart it!!!

Fart, fart, fart!!!

I don't want to break anyone's happiness

I just got a comment on my last post by a friend blogger who stated he didn't condone being with someone who's already in another committed relationship.

Please do not misunderstand me for I'm not at all upset by this. To me, every situation, every relationship is unique. Like I have said before, growing up gay, I have learned to be creative with my life, love, relationship. I have learned to accept that I cannot get every thing I want. I have learned to be fluid and to make the best of what life or love offers me.

However, for myself, and just for myself, I would never want to break up or destroy anyone else's relationship. When I grew up, I had been feeling hopeless about finding love and convinced myself that having someone to love and to be loved by would be impossible. I dwelled on the hurt of not having love. I experienced the pain of seeing love but not being able to touch it. I treasure it.

How could I take away love from someone else, right? No, I can't never do that. It's not because I am kind or noble. It's because I know the hurt like it's innate.

Before I met Jim, I was in a short relationship with a gay couple, A and B, who had been with each other for about 9 years. They were actually just looking for someone to play with. They had great pride that they had a very strong relationship. So, they once in a while looked for a third person to have fun with but never had it been more than just a hook up. A initially wrote to me, and I thought he was attractive and nice. I talked to him online several times before he told me he had a partner who also liked my profile.

I finally met them and one of their friends. All three were attracted to me, but I was only attracted to A. A and B and I ended up in bed. Both A and B fell in love with me, and I fell in love with A. After the second time meeting me, they proposed that we have a three people relationship. A and I grew closer and closer. We had so many things in common. I liked B but was not in love with him. But, at all time, I tried to get to know B and treat him like I treated A. We were only intimate when all three of us were together. A was more caring while B was more selfish. Anyway, after a short period of time, B proposed that they each could spend time alone with me. As they became more in love with me, I grew more in love with A. Though I didn't let that show, A showed that he was falling fast for me.

As a result, B was jealous, not against me but against A. He wanted me but was afraid that A wanted me too much. I knew I could not hurt them. I didn't want their relationship to fall apart. The once very strong relationship was now shaken unexpectedly. I knew I had to leave. It broke my heart because I loved A and he loved me. But I had to. I left.

Then, when Jim wrote to me telling me about his situation, I thought God wanted to play games with me. I had met a lot of men who really liked me, but none was as sincere and caring as Jim. The first time I looked at his picture, I just knew that he was the one. I looked at his eyes, and I could see love and sincerity.

When he told me he was married, I thought to myself: "God, why???" But I soon learned that K had allowed Jim to date men since a couple of years before that. Later, Jim told me he wasn't expecting to fall in love with anyone either. Well, it became difficult for K, Jim, and me.

I never wanted to break up their relationship, but it was already broken. I was always ready to leave every time Jim and K wanted to recommit to each other. But they couldn't commit to each other any longer. Jim was now totally gay. He could not pretend any longer. K could not pretend that she could accept an unconventional marriage any longer.

Did I break up their marriage? I don't think I did. I think I broke their denials. Did I do any thing wrong? Should I have waited until they were divorced? I don't know. Perhaps. But I am glad I have traveled along Jim's path over the last three and a half years.

The one question that has always been close to my heart is: "Is it fair for Jim to be with me when I can't be sure when/if we could live together full time?" Every day, I try to work toward that goal. I work very hard on that. There has been a lot of improvement, but I can't still guarantee that that would happen. Am I being selfish? I love Jim very much. I want him to love me regardless. And he does. And I do.

Will this be enough for Jim?

I don't know.

K is now happy with her soon to be husband...a couple more weeks.

Jim is now alone in his house.

He has all my love. Will it be enough?

I can break my happiness, but I do not want to break Jim's happiness just as I didn't want to break A's and B's and K's happiness.

I hope and wish that Jim's happiness will always be with me, regardless.

really long post

Rob (RB) asked me why I got involved with a married man (Jim) when I didn't know what was going to happen with his marriage, when many gay men would shy away from married men.

Well, I don't usually write long postings, but, I think I have to put in a few details of my life and about me to answer this question.

I first noticed I was different from other kids since I was in third grade. I always was the boy that watched other boys play rough games or boy games. I was never outcasted, however. None of the kids bullied me; I guess I earned enough respect from being the best student in class. Up until I finished 6th grade, I don't think any of the kids had called me names.

At home, however, my oldest brother gave me a little hard time...sometimes. I was not efeminate. But, I guess he caught on that I didn't care for boy stuff. So, he probably tried to roughen me up a little bit.

After the fall of Saigon, my dad, having been a University professor, was forced by the communist to teach with a salary that was barely enough for his own breakfast. Therefore, my mom had to go to different parts of the country to buy and sell different things. At home, she constructed a stand in front of our house for my grandma to sell bananas and coals. I was eight at the time. It has been in my nature to help my family. So, I helped my grandma sell bananas. And one day soon after we started, I ventured by myself to the big market far away from my house and bought a whole bunch of candies to bring home to sell to the locals. It worked. Then, I raised ducks and chicken. I traded them at the market. And we ate some, too. Anyway, I formed a very strong bond with my grandma. At night, I slept in her bed. She always fanned me to sleep. For some reason, my oldest brother thought boys might be girly if they sleep with their grandmas.

In hindsight, there were other things that might have tipped him off...LOL. My two younger sisters were left to follow me, and we had no toys. So, every time I went to buy candies, I would by some tiny, cheap plastic pots and pans for me and my sisters to play. We had fun. I didn't understand my brother's action at the time. But, I remember vividly the one time that he told me not to hold my hand the way I did because it was like a girl. That was the first time I was conscious about what people might think of me.

Events after events, my family and I moved and became fishermen and escaped from our country as boat people.

We were accepted to the U.S., and we had been poor for a long time. But we were greatful. It was heaven compared to living in Vietnam under the communist regime. We couldn't afford much. So, I became creative...LOL. Well, there happened to be a Vietnamese Nutritionist student who came to my house to teach my mom how to cook some American food. Then, my mom took a class on cake decorating. So, being the one that always help my mom, I did every thing with her. I helped her make doughnuts and decorate cakes. Not too soon, I could make roses like a professional...LOL. I was a boy in 9th grade...not usual! From then, for everyone's birthday and at every Christmas, I made donuts and cakes, Yule logs and all. My cousins and other relatives found out and started making fun of me a little. I didn't give a shit. My family didn't have money, so I did it for my family. Actually, I didn't feel good listening to those comments. I had choices, and I chose the choice to ignore them and make cakes for my family.

Throughout high school, I helped my brothers mowing lawns and trimming trees for the more well-off people. But, during my senior year, my mom decided to buy a pair of commercial sewing and hemming machines to work at home to make some money. I couldn't let my mom work by herself. So, she worked on one, and I worked on one. I was very good at hemming clothes. So, I was the talk of the neighborhood. We lived in the Vietnamese ghetto where most of the kids were gangsters. And, here I was hemming clothes...At least, I made an honest living... :). Then, my second oldest sister decided to go to beauty school. But, she didn't know much English. So, every night, I would sit down with her and read her books and practice curling hair with her. Of course, more people talked about that. From that, I knew how to cut and perm hair...LOL.

As I grew up, there had been more and more negativity associated with being gay or looking gay. In short, I became petrified that people might know I was gay by the time I got to college. Embarrassment was an understatement when people made any source of gay reference. I don't think people knew I was gay. But, I developed a paranoia, a horrible paranoia.

I put myself in my own prison as a result. I became sad and felt hopeless. I couldn't concentrate in school. Medical school was the worst time. I skipped school most of the time and just watched TV to pass the time. I could not sit down for more than 5 min to study without thinking about how hopeless life would be for me as a gay person. It was only until a few days before the exams that I could study. It was because I had no more time to think about any thing else but to somehow gulp down all he information to pass the tests.

My worst enemy at that time was my skin. I had and still have very nice skin, and often people would compare it to a girl's skin. I hated that. Oftentime, I held a razor in front of the bathroom mirror wanting to make scars on my face. Thank God I didn't. A lot of time, I prayed to God for me to finish school so I could give my parents a nice life. Then, if I died, it would have been OK.

Over time, I had become totally closeted. No one knew I was unhappy. I am someone who likes to smile and laugh all the time. At least, I make people laugh. But, no one knows that, at night, I would stay awake for hours crying inside. I rarely literally cried, but inside I felt just like crying. I felt hopeless. I convinced myself that I could never have love, with a man. It was just impossible.

Then, one day, a big, extremely painful event in my life happened that forced me to come out. I am not ready to talk about it yet. But, because of that, I broke out of my cage. I started dating. I allowed myself to find love. My family was all supportive, but my mom was so afraid of me dating. She had and still has so much empathy for gay people, but she had been so afraid of me getting sick that she was so resistant every time I went out with someone.

Anyway, now that I was open to the world of love, I never wanted to take it for granted. I value and treasure love. I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted someone I love who loves me back. But, I also knew that I could not leave my closeted lesbian sister by herself. I promised my mom I would not leave her by herself. I promised myself not to leave my sister by herself. She has always been there for me, as well as my single youngest sister. They would not leave me by myself.

So, I cannot be with anyone who requires me to live with him. That is a huge limitation. With this comes my understanding toward other gay men who have their own limitations. With Jim, and every one I had dated, I had been honest about this up front. Jim was also honest about his family from the beginning.

In general, I am afraid to date a married man who hides from his wife. I really don't want to break up anyone's family. But, in Jim's case, K had allowed Jim to date way before he met me. The one thing I didn't know was that both K and Jim did not expect Jim to fall in love with me.

With me, as long as I love the person and he loves me and accepts my situation, I was willing to go through many hardships. If I feel loved by that one special person, I'm happy. I have learned to be creative with my life and, hence, my relationship. I require that person to truly love me. As long as we really love each other, to me, we can love each other in any situation.

I love Jim very much. He's a very caring person. He cares for K and his kids. I know he loves me a lot, too. He's willing to be with me even if I can't live with him. That is just very special. I just hope that during his hard time, I could make him smile every single day.

God, this post has been so long, I'm exhausted. I can write more another day if anyone is interested.

I am thankful

Usually, Thanksgiving is just a chance for me to take two days off of work. Though I have always been thankful for what I have, Thanksgiving is not part of my culture. However, this Thanksgiving season, I have truly had the Thanksgiving spirit. Over the past couple of weeks, amidst tons of work, I have accomplished several things that made me feel very good and thankful.

It started with the clothing drive my sisters and I did for our patients, most of whom are very poor. It was a success. We got a lot of donations, and witnessing the laughters and happiness of those receiving them was very wonderful. We were also able to get broccoli and cabbages for them, which we didn't have for the last few times.

I wrote a letter to the immigration judge for the father of a patient of mine who was to be deported. He is illegal here but is a very nice person and good father. He was granted to stay because of my letter. His two-year old son is now happy again.

I put up the Christmas tree with a village and train. Everyone at home seems to really enjoy them.

After a year looking, I was able to find one more Physician Assistant and hired her. Not many people want to work for my diversed indigent patients. I just gave the contract to another really nice Physician Assistant yesterday. I don't really need this extra one, but this is the only way I can take some vacation without having much worries. I want a better quality of life for me and my sisters. Equally important, I will have a chance to hopefully go on a little vacation with Jim.

And, Jim is going to have Thanksgiving dinner with me and my family. Who would have thought this would happen? My mom is usually antsy when/if Jim is with me when other people other than my parents and my sisters are around. She doesn't seem to care now. I am SO happy.

AND...Jim said he loves me and Gay Confucius, too!!!

I am very thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving, EveryOne.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE!!!

No Turkey

Vietnamese don't eat Turkeys at Thanksgiving.

One more step

Tonight, I invited Jim to dinner with my whole staff and some family and friends. I take my staff out to dinner once in a while. But Thanksgiving dinner is a tradition that my clinic has adopted. I have always been cautious about my sexuality at work. But, tonight, I took a leap of faith by inviting Jim. I know I didn't make it so obvious. I didn't make it known that Jim was more than a friend to me. But, that, nevertheless, was a big step for me. And, I'm glad I did it. This Thanksgiving, Jim will again join me and my family for dinner. I'd love that.

Jim took me home from dinner tonight, and we sat in front of the Christmas tree for a while. It was very warm. It was full of love, to me.

P.S. I just know that one day Jim will be hanging lights on the roof of my house. In return, I'll hang my balls on his "Christmas tree."

ILJ

Almost four years ago, Jim sent me a note with his profile picture. The things that drew me to him were his eyes. They looked very kind, as simple as that. He was not as thin as I was. He didn't have as much hair as I did, but his eyes were kind. He was attractive. He attracted me.

After about 2 email exchanges, Jim drove down to see me. We met at a local restaurant. I was so nervous when I sat across the tiny table from him. I was nervous because I really liked him. He was nervous, too. That made him so handsome. After dinner, we sat in Jim's car to hide away from the rain. He asked if he could give me a kiss.

From that day on, I have loved Jim very much.

I came into the hardest part of Jim's life.

But I have always loved him. I love him because he is a very devoted father. He cooks for them. He takes care of their every little need. I love him because he cares about his wife's feelings and well-being.

I love Jim because he has shown me a lot of love. I am so proud of him. I hope he knows that. Tonight, Jim was very frustrated from the hardships he's been facing lately. That makes me feel like crying now. And I don't just cry about any thing. If I were by myself, I would ask Jim to live with me in a minute. But, I have my difficulties. That makes me very sad.

I can't think of a way to make Jim smile with tonight's posting.

I hope he will smile tomorrow when he reads this...just because I love him.

Can snoring be interesting?

LOL...I was googling for photos of male dominatrix, and the photos that came up were NASTY!!!...:))) Anyways, as promised, I was going to see Jim after work today to whip him up for not listening to what I had told him to do, which is every thing. He should know by now that I am always right!

Before I could whip him, he played a trick on me. While I took a shower, all by myself, he hid my clothes. I had to cover myself with a tiny towel and run around his house looking for my clothes while he just sat in his sofa giggling. How mean!

He made me do it before he would give me my clothes back. So, I had to do it. He forced me.

I was tired, so I didn't want to eat out tonight. Jim's fault. So, we went to a local store to get food to bring home. I wanted French bread and salami. I love bread, a lot. A lot of time, I would go to a restaurant just because of their bread. Jim wanted the lobster bisque. We also got some cheeze, some frozen stuff. I got a yogurt because I eat healthy. Jim demanded a tiramitsu. He pouted until we got it.

Dinner was very nice. I really liked it. I loved sitting at home having dinner with Jim. No one was there but us.

Afterward, we snuggled while watching Sweet Genius, Jim's favorite. After a while, Jim dozed off in his steady, rhythmic snores.

It was time for me to leave.

I miss him already. I even miss his snores. I never snore, so sometimes I find snoring somewhat interesting.

Ying and Yang

For every force, there's a negative force. For every Ying, there's a Yang. Life is funny that way. It's an equilibrium. No body can change that law of nature.

I have to remind myself of this every time life becomes hard. You can't appreciate happiness if you haven't experienced sadness.

So, I apply this rule of nature to my relationship with Jimmy Yang. I really think this is how our relationship has been strong. Sometimes when Jim is the Ying, I'm the Yang. When I'm the Ying, he's the Yang.

Here's what I think:

When Jim is the Ying, he should:

1. Blow the leaves in the garden, and I, being the Yang, would cheer him on;

2. Cook good dinner, and I, being the Yang, would eat to make him happy;

3. Prepare a bubble bath, and I, being the Yang, would sit in it.....

When I am the Ying, I would:

1. Buy Jim a leaf blower, and Jim, being the Yang, should blow the leaves;

2. Buy the groceries, and Jim, being the Yang, should prepare dinner;

3. Allow Jim to make a bubble bath, and Jim, being the Yang, should be happy to make it for me.....

" Ju nog Jing eng Jang! Tu pee-neez...Ich Jing eng Jing!!!"

"Dear Gay Confucius, we are Ying and Yang, too. Two straight penises are Ying and Ying. But, we have two gay penises. A gay penis is a Ying and Yang penis by itself!"

OOPS!

There was this patient whom I saw yesterday. He's in his late 50's, and he was being a jerk with me. I didn't need that, especially on Saturday morning when people line up to be seen an hour before we're supposed to open. Actually, every morning is like that.

I want to say it's stressful, but I am thankful.

So, while I had so many patients waiting, this man kept on complaining about how he had to keep on paying to see me just because I couldn't cure his itch. I started feeling bad, but I didn't recall treating him for any itch. So, I reviewed the notes from all the previous visits. The man was seen for his itch two years ago by my sister.

He said his itch was all over, like bugs crawling on him, but only at one location at a time, especially on his scalp. I couldn't find anything on his skin or scalp...no scabies, no rash, nothing. Hot showers? Dry skin? Scabies? Neuropathy? Liver disease? Allergies?...I quickly ran through a whole bunch of differential diagnosis in my mind: None. The whole time he kept on wanting to check his blood. Then, it dawned on me!

Things dawn on me so often...LOL. Anxiety! A lot of the men I see who want to check their blood have something to hide... :))).

"Any unprotected sex other than with your wife?" I asked.

".....Ummm...only oral...on me. She's 27 (with a grin on his face)..."

"She's gonna kill you! Your guilt is coming out as itches. Are you better now? Let's do some blood tests," I said nicely.

"Will I get HIV if she does oral on me?"

"The risk is lower, but there're other diseases also. Regardless, let's do some blood tests."

"I'll be back for it. I feel better already."

Then, he just smiled and walked out.

The guy must have cheated on his wife back then, too. And he had the nerve to give me a hard time so early in the morning.

...

"Khee...khee...khee..."

"What are you laughing at, Dear Gay Confucius?"

"Mee holpe hee loo-nog helve reel rass...khee...khee...khee..."

"You hope he does not have a real rash?...ME TOO!"

LOL...

Neanderthals were Openly Homo Sexuals. Humans were Gay Sapiens.

While talking to Jim tonight, I had my TV on the Food Network channel. And the program was called Sweet Genius. I thought by watching this it was pretty gay already. But, oh my God, the guy hosting it was SO GAY! Every little gesture he made was like that of a charm-schooled girl! Then, it dawned on me that gay people are everywhere. Then, I wondered when the first gay Homo Sapiens existed.

Should we just say Gay Sapiens? Anyways, there had to be at least one gay Homo Sapiens back when the Neanderthals were still celebrating life. Then, I wondered why the Neanderthals became extinct.

Then, it dawned on me that most of these Neanderthals must have been gay! Not just gay but openly gay! Maybe all they had were mainly gays and lesbians, and just some bi-sexuals, and a couple of bi-curious'. So, in their little community, the gays would pair up; the lesbians would pair up; the bi-curious would pair up with the same sex because they were curious...sometimes curious for years; and the bi-sexuals would be the only ones that produced a couple of offsprings then off they went to the same sex. So, they pretty much enjoyed the same sex life-style (and I don't blame them). And pretty soon, there were so few of them left. And, unlucky for them, those few not-totally-gay Neanderthals were mainly of the same sex. They were so lonely, so they had sex with each other anyway. So, pretty soon...no more Neanderthals!

Homo Sapiens were much smarter! They invented the club. The males used the clubs to knock other males out and had their ways with them. Then, they returned to their caves and forcefully produced. And that is how we still remain until today.

Now that a lot of us are "out", some are afraid that eventually we would cease to exist. But, don't worry! We have discovered the in-vitro technique. Now, it just dawned on me that this technique must have been discovered by gay people! Yes. Has to be.

LOL...

Jim thinks I'm crazy... :)))

Asians Have Small Fingers

Today, I was exhausted. Mentally, I'm fine. But, physically, my body is giving out on me. I'm very resilient, but, boy...am I exhausted.

Jim came to visit me tonight. I was very happy to see him, though I didn't look that way. He had to wait for me to finish some of my paperwork. We didn't leave the office until around 8:30pm. Jim already had dinner, but he joined my parents, my sisters, and me at the dinner table at around 9:30pm.

He didn't understand what we were talking about, but, just to let him know, my dad was pushing for me to ask Jim to eat more, and my mom was worried that he would have to drive home late. That made me happy.

On another note, I had to do a couple of prostate exams today. I don't like doing it, but it goes with the job. So, I just do it like a routine. However, I do always make sure I use enough lubrication and do it slowly and gently so that I would minimize the pain.

So, one of the patients was an old Cuban man. He was reluctant to have his prostate checked. This was less resistant than most Hispanic men. He had a huge belly and was resistant in bending down, so it took me a little longer to examine his prostate. The poor guy kept on moaning: "Ah...AAhhh...AAAhhhhh!!!..."

Well, lucky for him Asian fingers are usually small!

"Hah...hah...hah....jsmall finkgurs!"

"Yes, small fingers, Dear Gay Confucius..."

"Ju Ajsian...ju jsmall...hah...hah...hah..."

"Yes, I have small FING...ERS!!! So do you!!!"

"Wang jsee mee finkgurs?"

"NO!!!"

:)))

Sometimes when you are able to do so many things and have been putting yourself out there to cover the slack of others, you are often put in an "expected" situation. I feel this way for me and my two little sisters. We are now kind of successful, but we work like dogs. Oftentime, we are expected to pick up the mess some of our other siblings have made. We don't mind, but to be expected is not fair. We really don't mind, but whenever we say some thing negative but true about these siblings, we get the silent treatment from our parents. But, when we were in our lowest times of our lives, mine specifically, those siblings shied away. My parents knew it but didn't really say any thing about it. How fair is that? Honestly, my sisters and I do not really mind, most of the time. We don't expect to be appreciated. But we do hate that silent treatment.

Tonight is one of those times. It's almost 2am, and I'm catching up on my paperwork, waiting for my parents to come back from their trip to my oldest sister. My brother picked them up at the airport. I don't know what happened, but from the moment she stepped into the house, my mom gave me a little silent treatment. I am exhausted.

For once, I want to be taken care of instead of taking care of others. Maybe for just one day.

"EE-nuff wine-ning!"

"OK, Dear Gay Confucius. I'm going to bed!"

"Nekkid?"

"NO!!!"

Wow, I feel better already... :)))

Mommy, They All Look the Same!

"Mommy, they all look the same!"

That was the first thing I said to my Mom when I attended my first Sunday mass after my family and I had just arrived to the U.S., when I was a young boy, when I was still innocent.

"Ju? Ju ing-no-sung? Mee A..."

"Dear Confucius, could you be quiet so I can tell my story?"

"OTAY"

It was a very small Catholic congregation. The first thing I noticed was that pretty much all the men were bald, not just balding but bald, and had beer bellies. They all looked the same, I thought--White, Bald, Beer-bellied!

"Wy meng, tay awl nook tuh jsame! Awl bew-tee-fule!...Wu-meng lo bew-tee-fule!"

"OK. I know! A lot of bald White men are very attractive."

"Zeem lo bole lown lere!"

"What? He does have balls down there--two!!!"

"Ju lo ung-ler-steng! Zeem lo BOLE lown lere!!!"

"He's not BALD down there?"

"JEZZZ."

"Of course NOT! How do you know, anyway?!"

Anyway, Jim has been telling me about this Chinese Buffet place that he and his family had frequented. Though this was not his favorite place, there were things that each of his family members liked. So, yesterday, the kids wanted to go there. When I got there, I realized it wasn't a Chinese buffet. The name was Eiko Hibachi--Sushi and Steaks...LOL!!!

"Zapanleeze!"

"Yes, I know, Dear Confucius--Eiko, Hibachi, Sushi."

Of course, Jim would have known that this was a Japanese buffet if he had paid attention to the name. This brought me to think people of other races often think Asians all look alike, too.

Then, I thought about how a lot of people generalize about different groups of people and criticize them, like: Gays are like this; Bi men are like that; rich people are like this; poor people are like that...on and on.

Afterall, we are supposedly created equal under God...

"Lo! Wee lo ee-cuale! Wu-meng lo helve pee-niz. Meng helve pee-niz--Bew-tee-fule!"

"Yes, my Dear Gay Confucius! God! I can't write anything without you bugging me!"

At the end of the day, I think criticizing about different people with generalizations is just a waste of energy. Get to know them, then do the criticizing. I am in love with a balding White man, afterall.

Meow

"Meow, meow, meow....MEOW!!!"

"Damn these stupid cats. They either have sex and meow all night long or they just meow all night long!"

"Jeah, jstupeed kaatz..."

"Yeah..."

"JEAH...."

"YEAH....."

"JEAH!!! Jstupeed KAATZ!!!"

"Meow, MEOW, MEOW!!!"

My Throat Hurts

I have lost my voice and sound...

"Ju jsound fung-lee...khe..khe..khe..."

"Stop teasing me, Dear Confucius...My throat hurts, and I'm spitting up gooey stuff."

"Mee tole ju no leep troat!"

"Deep throat what???"

"Ju lo, leep troat wee Zeem!"

"NO! I don't know! I haven't seen Jim for a week..."

"Mei-bee jee-fee-liz aw hairpeez..."

"grrr...Grrr...GRRR!!!"

I'm So Tired Today

That's it. I'm so tired today!
:)

My Condom Broke

Most of the patients who come in to see me with complaints relating their penises have the same line: "The condom broke!" Most of the time, I don't know why they would say that. Most of the time, it wouldn't change the management.

But, they say it anyway. I know it's bad, but usually when the Black guys say it, I don't pay so much attention. But, when some little guys say it, I question the possibility. Not all Black guys are big. It's not uncommon to see a six-foot tall Black guy with a small penis. But, a lot of them do have big ones. You'd be surprised. Sometimes, a tiny guy can turn up with a big one.

Anyway, today, there came a Hispanic guy who told me his condom broke this morning, giving him a rash. I checked him, and it was tiny! How in the world could he have broken his condom? Some are to show. Some are to grow. But, this one...impossible. How much can yours grow?

"Mee weewee groe nong. Jometimes, mee yoose ich ass a staff."

"I don't believe you, Dear Confucius. Yours probably has been dead for centuries."

"Mee weewee jso nong eng haard...ju cang no tell weech eez duh reel staff."

"Yes, I can. The real staff doesn't have cobwebs on it!!!"

"Tooch ich!"

"NO!!!"

"Mee loe ju...ju loe me...la la la, la la la la...la la la la la...la la la, la la la la...."

nodding

The past week has been so crazy at the clinic. Today was even worse. We saw the same amount of patients today as we did on a busy weekday. We were supposed to close at 2pm but finished with the last one at 3:30pm.

On days like this, I need to be very efficient. This is very difficult since most of my patients require an interpreter. I do ok by myself with Hispanic patients, but we also have a lot of immigrants from other countries like Burma and Nepal.

My sister dread the Nepalese. We don't even ask our PA to see them. I see them. They are very nice people, but it seems like most of them want to get the most out of their medical benefits. I guess, from where they used to live, it was extremely difficult to get medical attention. Their lists of medical problems are endless. And they are afraid that if they don't get treatment for every thing in one visit, they won't get it at all. We always address every issue our patients have before we leave the exam room, but they're still afraid.

Most of them have pain at one location or another on their body. And they always say "paining". And, another thing, they don't nod. Actually, they nod to the side; they bend their heads to the shoulder to indicate "yes". Sometimes, they bend their heads to the right; sometimes they bend their heads to the left. Sometimes, they bend their heads to the right then to the left. Sometimes, they repeatedly do it. I have yet to figure out what their "no" is. And, I'm afraid to ask. They usually just say "no".

Well, sometimes, I think it's kind of funny when they nod like that, especially when they do it rhythmically like a dancing motion. For every symptom I asked them, they nodded. There was a family of four today. They all nodded to my questions like sychronized swimmers at the Olympics. They nodded, and they nodded. They never stopped. I was exhausted. Not today, I thought. There were so many patients. I didn't have time to sit there watching them dance with their nods. I couldn't take so much of their nods any more. Today was hard.

On another note, tonight, Jim came to hear me sing for a benefit. I'm happy he was there.

Confucius is bothering me...

I saw a 20 year-old Burmese patient today. He was riding a bus, and it flipped. The ER doc gave him 32 staples on his left upper back and six on his left elbow. Pus was oozing out a little when I undressed...

"Beague aw jsmaw weewee?"

"I undressed his WOUND, Dear Confucius!"

"Woule ong hiz weewee?"

"NO! On his back!"

"Ju jsay ich ooz. Ole-lee weewee oooz!"

"A penis does not ooze pus..."

"Jspurm! Jspurm!"

"I know! Dear Confucius. Can I continue to tell my story without you interupting, please?"

"Otay, otay...Mee weewee hurt...wang jsee?"

"No, thank you."

"Nook! Poose!"

"...That's not pus! Get away from me!!!"

For You...

When your heart aches, mine pains
When your tears drop, mine rain
When your heart skips, mine--extra beats
Together, same path we reach.

Close our eyes, let's sleep
To a humble lullaby
Of life
For, tomorrow, the sun shall shine.

Double Squeeze

I had a male patient who came in today to follow up for premature ejeculation. The medicine I gave him seemed to have helped him but not to the extent that he was totally satisfied. So, as I told him I would up the dosage on that medicine, he leaned back on his chair and started to squeeze his nipples as if I wasn't there. Then, suddenly he stopped, realizing I was in front of him. LOL!!! I wonder what he was fantasizing about.

"Hee gay!!!"

"Dear Confucius, I do not think so."

"Stret mang jsquiz olly wang neepole ech a tyme...Dubbole jsquiz, Gay!!!"

"Stop squeezing your nipples, Dear Confucius...Leave me alone, Please!!!"

Bowling

Jim went to his first Bowling Group meeting today. He seemed pretty upbeat and happy. I'm very glad. With K and the kids moving out soon, I think Jim is starting to get nervous about how it's going to be living alone. I don't want Jim to be sad, but I know he will be, more often than now. I hope he'll find some good friends from this group.

"Ju jould zoin Zeem wee hiz bole-ling."

"I don't have time, Dear Confucius. Plus, I don't have a ball."

"Mee helve wang fo ju ang wang fo Zeem!"

"Good balls, Dear Confucius?"

"Heer, reech een...fo ju..."

"EW...bowling balls, not those!!!"

Dating

It is very difficult to really get to know people online. Sometimes, when we type something with our own emotion on one end, it's interpreted in a different way by the other person at the other end because the other person might not have shared the same emotion we do. In dealing with people in the real world, to me, is similar. One can't just judge a book by its cover. People come from different walks of life, different cultures, different life experiences. One might be interesting in certain aspects and completely boring in others.

Lately, I've been reading blogs in which bloggers constantly complained about not being able to find dates. They complained about how shallow those people on the dating websites are. They complained about how people their age only look for younger dates with athletic builts. But, then, when I read on, they themselves lied about their age, put down the overweight. They condemned the gay dating world for only wanting to hook-up. Yet, they did the same...and bragged about it.

Some set high standards yet complained about being dateless. Some associated those who don't write complete sentences as bad dating candidates for they might just be some nail salon workers.

In my own little pool of life experiences, I can definitely say that a lot of time I would have been fooled if I judged people before I got to know them. Just because one is a doctor doesn't mean he's noble. Just because one is a janitor doesn't mean he lacks integrity or intelligence.

During the first ten years of our lives in the U.S., my family was very poor. I had to work full time while attending college full time. We had only two cars for a family of ten. I spent most of my time taking my siblings to school and work and working at different jobs myself. One of my jobs was being a janitor, from 6pm-11pm, almost every night for several years. My parents and some of my siblings also did that.

We needed money. And, it was an honest job. We did what we had to do. I am so proud that I was able to make some money to help my family. Of all of us, including my father, we now have two PhD's, two MD's, one DMD, three PharmD's, three MS's, and a whole bunch of BS's.

My point is: Get to know people before you disregard them. Life is up and down. So are people. There are a lot of nice people out there if you open your arms and heart to them.

welcome home

WELCOME HOME!!!

I know checking the blogs will be the first thing you'll do when you get home. So, I want to welcome you home and say:....

"GO TO BED!!!"

"JU fule, driveen duh hole light...mee no nike it!!!"

"Dear Confucius, could I just have some peace with my boyfriend?"

...

"Just kidding, Jim...Welcome home! I miss you!"

"Mee miss ju, ju, Zeem!"

Sleep Deprived

I am exhausted!

I am lack of sleep!

I used to be able to function pretty well after two nights gayly forward without sleep...no sweat. This was when I used to watch some of those Chinese soap opera (dubbed in Vietnamese). Most of them were stupidly long, but they made it in a way that you just have to watch the whole series regardless of how bad they were. I used to watch them for two or three days straight. I was crazy. But, that was when I was in college. It was when I was still young, sadly. Then, when I was in Residency, I used to be on call every fourth day...staying awake and working for 36 hours straight. I was still ok.

But, now, I can't do that any more!!! I stay up one night, and I'm like dead! I get dizzy. I have headaches. I feel horrible. I guess partly it's because I don't sleep much in general. I usually have to do my paperwork until at least 10pm, sometimes later. I watch TV while doing it, so it takes a longer time than it should. Then, I usually watch TV until at least midnight, sometimes 1am. I usually wake up at 6am. Sometimes, I wake up earlier, like 4am, and watch TV again.

I guess I just don't have enough sleep reserve. So, this past Sunday, I had to get up at 4am and drive 4 hours to the beach with my sisters and parents to attend a merchant show to order products for the retail section of my sister's pharmacy. We drove home on that same day. Since, I've been so exhausted doing research on products for my sister's pharmacy. On top of that, we've had so many patients this week at the clinic.

I AM EXHAUSTED!!!

"Ju gray-jee! Ju ole ang no jsneep! mucho rinkole!"

"But, Dear Confucius, you sleep the whole day and you still have wrinkles on every fraction of an inch of your ..."

"Wen ju nakid, mee lo maw rinkole...khee, khee, khee..."

"EW!!!"

Jim is sick

Jim is sick today. It's my day off. But, I can't come to visit him. I have a lot of things I have to do for which I have already scheduled. I feel very sad. Jim loves me a lot. And I love him very much. It's hard not being able to see him when he's sick. :(

:(

:(

Jim, You Need to Settle the Score!

Jim told me there was a 70% chance of rain today while I was busy watering some of my plants that didn't get enough water from the sprinklers, but I didn't listen to him. I went ahead and watered them anyway. Now, it's pouring. But, if I didn't water them and rain didn't come, I would have to water them after work tomorrow. I'd be too tired.

Sometimes, I think it's a curse that I have this huge garden. It's hard work. My mom and I have spent a lot of time in it. My sister helped some. It's getting much better but not where I can just relax and enjoy yet, maybe next year.

Today, my mom and I put down eight Roses of Sharon (Hibiscus that lives through the winter in our area). I bought them probably a couple of months ago, I think, but I have been too lazy to plant them. It's been so hot here. Today was milder.

Now, it's raining hard. There have been a lot of thunder and lightning. Jim loves thunder and lightning. I don't love them. But I love Jim. So, every time there's a thunder storm, I miss him a lot. I miss him all the time. But, I miss him even more tonight.

"Mee mizz ju, ju, Zim!"

"But, Dear Confucius, he's my boyfriend!"

"Mee wang eem!"

"NO!"

"JEZ, JEZ, JEZ...!!!"

"Grrr...."

Will Power

I had lost a total of 4 lbs in three days, as of yesterday. I ate ok yesterday and this morning, not so bad but not so good to be proud of. I'm not sure I lost any more pound, but as long as I haven't gained any back, I'd be happy.

But...Life always has a but in it! Crap! For dinner today, my parents want to go to the Chinese Buffet Restaurant we usually go. It's kind of a fancy Chinese Buffet place that has a lot of unhealthy but good food. Are they trying to test my will power or something?

I am weak...no will power when it comes to habits. Thank God I don't drink or smoke or do drugs. If I do, I'm not sure I could quit. One of my habits is watching the Golden Girls. I have watched all of their episodes over and over again, and I still watch it, very late every night. I don't even know why now. I have a habit of taking several showers a day...well, I think that's good. I have a habit of eating a lot of sweet/snacks...It has been hard over the last few days. I kind of relapsed last night...OK, I relapsed big time...LOL. People in a lot of countries are starving. Imagine living in America and can't even eat!!! I also have no will power when Jim is near...I have to grab him...LOL...But, he's an animal! If I don't grab him, he'll grab me! Yesterday, we watched Zoo Keeper, and I learned a very good lesson. I'm going to apply that to Jim. You have to watch it to know. I will control him...!!!

I am debating...I have only three more pounds to lose. Should I just eat and work on it later? Grrr...grrr...grrr...

On another note, Jim's kids have no problem with him being gay. They didn't act any different toward me yesterday either. I was right. I am always right. Jim should worship me and worship whatever I say from now on!!!

"Tess jour weel powuh wee mee."

"Dear Confucius, why are you naked?"

"mee tess jour weel powuh."

"But you are like...more than a hundred years old!"

"Confucius no cang fook but Confucius helve a weewee."

"EW!!!"

Snack Withdrawal

I am currently in withdrawal!!!

Yes, withdrawal from sweets, from snacks, from sodas, from food!!!!!!!

It's so uncomfortable.

My stomach feels empty. It should be filled with my mom's delicious dinner. Even the left-overs would be perfect. It should be filled with the cookies, the Doritos chips, the beef jerky, the chocolates, yeah...my chocolates...yum yum.

My throat is quenched with thirst...Isn't that horrible? It should be quenched with the sweet sodas, coke, diet coke, 7-up, lemonade...whatever, as long as it's sweet, as long as it's not plain water!!!

I am suffering!!! I'm restless. My body itches. My neck tenses up. I can't focus on my TV programs...

Usually, I give myself 5 pounds, give or take, from my ideal weight to set the limit. But, I rarely let myself go 3 pounds past my ideal weight. The reason is my extra weight will just go straight to my belly, not my chest or anywhere else of importance. Over the past couple of months, I've let myself go and gained 7 pounds over my ideal weight as of yesterday.

I've been eating so much...eating in, eating out, no matter! I've been eating more than I needed. On top of that, I stacked a whole bunch of junk food in the pantry. I didn't just snack here and there; I snacked everywhere! I usually start with some sweets. Then, I would reason myself that I need something salty to balance the sweet. Then, I would go back to the sweets, then the salty, then the sweet, then the rest of everything else in the pantry. Then, I would be so thirsty. There goes another coke. Well, I have switched to diet coke mostly. For the last few days, we have been out of diet coke. I had to substitute it with chocolate milk...it tasted so good!

I am so tempted to run downstairs to get some snack now...grrr. I am weak.

Yesterday morning, after gulping down two and a half donuts, I decided that I had to eat less and take control of my weight. I don't want to get diabetes. A lot of my family members have diabetes. Plus, I want to keep my figure...LOL. I want to be beautiful in and out for Jim, my loving boyfriend. I mean in and out...of my clothes...:))) Plus, I have accepted to sing for two upcoming fundraising events for the less fortunate children in Cambodia and Vietnam, one in August and one in September. I don't want my belly to bulge out every time I take a deep breath.

So, since dinner of yesterday, I have been good. No snacks. I have also cut down the amount of rice. This afternoon, I ate some french fries and only half of a baconator from Wendys. I love Wendys' baconator. It tasted good...all half of it! I had never ated just half of a baconator...grrr. The good thing was I lost 2 pounds as of this evening before I left work. And, dinner tonight was very good. I ate only 2/3 of what I used to eat lately. I wanted to just eat half of what I used to eat, but the temptation kicked in. And, so far, I have not yet touched any snacks.

I am not one who cares so much about eating. But whenever I intend to diet, ANY food looks good...grrr...grrr...grrr.

"Mee dear jile, jome-ting wong wee ju?"

"Just snack withdrawal!...And...your accent! My boyfriend complained that he couldn't understand you!"

"Bahd tempuh bring ju fad ahss!"

"Your accent confuses me!"

"Wy ju tink I geg mee lame?--Confucius (Confuse us), geg ich? khee...khee...khee."

"Grrr..."

Grrr...

My canary with the stroke died yesterday. I am so relieved. I didn't mind hand-feeding her, but seeing her suffer was a different thing...so sad.

"Deeve fry huh!"

"No, Dear Confucius! I will not deep fry my bird!"

"Lightang up meng. Ich soony lay...bee eppy!"

"Dear Confucius, please excuse me, I have to go wire the pond border to prevent the Canada geese from coming up and eat my new grass."

"Jor lew aa...ss?"

"NO! Grass!"

"Boo-eng-no! Mee go jee-tuh-dee Jee-pang-neesh! Woast mee a guse for leener...Gra-jee-ass, mee ah-mee-go!"

"Grrr..."

My Bird Got A Stroke

Over the last week, I had diagnosed two patients with prostate cancer, one patient with liver cancer, a patient with pulmonary embolisim, a whole bunch of patients with diabetes, and a 37 year-old patient and a 40 year-old patient with a stroke. Too many sick patients at the same time. Too many bad news to break to patients.

Then, when I came home last night, I found one of my female canaries limping. Several days ago, her leg got caught in the bamboo nest and one of her toes was cut off. I didn't know that until last night. I saw blood on her before but thought that the calcified scales on her foot broke off. She likes to lay on her nest, usually. Yesterday was no different. I thought she was just sleeping. When I reached in to touch her, she didn't move. When I tried to picked her up, she flew down but couldn't land on the perch.

I picked her up. She looked hypoglycemic. I guess she had not been able to get to the feed bowl to eat. I mixed some baby bird food and fed her with a syringe. She woke up. I put her in a small cage by herself. That was when I found out she could not use her good leg. It just exaggerated to the side. I checked the joint, and it was not dislocated. She sat in the cage with her head drooping to the side. This was very heart-breaking--a tiny bird suffering a stroke.

She's still alive this morning, but she still looks the same.

I feel sad for my patients and my bird all the same. We never really know what's going to happen next in our lives. It's kind of scary.

ATS

Usually, when I wake up in the morning, I turn on the TV to check on the weather for the day and the whole week. This is just so that I could know if I should turn off the sprinkler system.

The soil in my garden is not of consistent quality. In some areas, there are decent soil. In some, it's very dry that requires abundant watering. In most, it's clay based which retains water. On top of that, I planted so many different types of trees and plants which require different amount of water. It would be simple just to match up the type of plants and soil based on their water need and soil condition. However, I want to have plants and flowers everywhere in my yard year round. This is why it's very tricky. On top of that, the water pressure from each sprinkler head in each zone is not the same...Grrr!!! So, almost all of my plants are good now. There are just a few that I have to make sure there's enough water or not too much water.

A week ago, I had people killing all the bad, old grass and seeding new fescue. Because of the summer weather, I had to water it a lot. Unfortunately, we had three consecutive days of storms and hard rains. Two of my cherry blossom trees drown! Grrr!!!

This summer is crazy. It's so hot. This morning, the weather man warned us about the heat which could make us feel like 110 degree by mid-day. I can't make it with heat like that. I have RAD (Reactive Airway Disease, kind like asthma). If I smell cigarette smoke or am in extreme heat, I just cannot breathe.

Thank God, I work inside and under air conditioning. I thought I was saved from the heat. I thought my RAD would be fine. But!!!, today, I developed ATS. I could barely breathe!

There was a really sick patient, exhibiting severe headache and vomiting, who was brought to our clinic by her husband. Under this extreme heat, he wore a sleeveless T-shirt. He didn't wear any deodorant. On top of that (my third "on top of that"), he kept on raising his arms when he talked. On top of that, he was from Butal. That means I had to have an interpreter. So, I had to stay in the room much longer. I was INTOXICATED!!! LOL...

I didn't feel good. I had ATS--Armpit Toxic Syndrome...

:)))

Confucius said: "Thou jshall lot openg armpeet eef ich jee-mell"

:)

Today, I had to send a letter of discharge to one of my patients. Why? She was inappropriate with a male staff of mine.

This is a Hispanic woman who had come to our practice twice for treatments of STD's. On her first visit, she brought with her a man she called her husband. During the second visit, while interviewing her, my Physician Assistant figured out that this man, who accompanied her, was actually her brother-in-law who she had been having an affair with while her husband was still in her country.

Today, when one of my male staff called her to relay a message, she told him multiple times that she was naked and stated that he was handsome and asked for his phone number. This is my youngest staff, who is only 22. Poor guy, he was shaken up by that.

Because he was shaken up by that and felt very uncomfortable, I had to reassure him that I will discharge her from our clinic. I figured most guys would have been flattered whether they liked it or not. I guess my staff felt violated...:))) Regardless, she was wrong.

I thought it was a little funny, though.

East Meets West Symphony

On Thursday night, Jim and I went to a symphony. The theme was East Meets West.

It was very interesting. The symphony consisted of multiple instruments, some western, some oriental. When compared to the usual orchestra, one would never have thought that such mixture of instruments could bring such heavenly sounds. The main instrument was the accordion. This was paralleled with the oriental flute. Surprisingly, when augmented with the occasional violin, harp, harmonica, and tuba, one cannot help but remain wide awake to enjoy the music.

Actually, this was the night Jim slept over. He snored the accordian. I snored the flute very gently. The crickets were the violin; the ceiling fan was the harp; the rain was the harmonica; and the stupid frogs were the tuba.

Regardless of all the wonderful noises, I loved holding Jim and being held by him in my bed.

Reflections

It's been a long time since I've had a peaceful two-day weekend for myself. The last one was on Memorial Day, but I had to fly to California for my nephew's wedding. It was very hectic. While yesterday was a busy day for me, it wasn't a work day. I had planned to do a number of chores today, but it feels so good just laying in bed now that I have decided to just relax. I deserve it.

I'm looking out the window of my bedroom right now, and the sun is dancing through the leaves, flashing rays of light, at times stronger, at times dimmer...so peaceful. The sky above it seems to respond to the flickering sun, sometimes clear blue, sometimes with a touch of fog. I don't know why, but I have not heard the birds yet. It's amazingly quiet. All I can hear is the soft sound of the laptop next to me and the breezing sound of the ceiling fan right above my bed. The soft white curtain sheer moves gently as if there were a real breeze passing by. My sister in the next room is still sound as sleep. There is not at all a snoring sound since I am already awake.

Normally, I would turn on the TV the minute I wake up. Today, I'm not going to destroy the serenity of my quiet day. It is days like this when I reminisce the days when I was still in my country, more than thirty years ago. It's frightening how time flies.

Those days, I was still an innocent, little kid struggling through the hands of the communists, trying to help my mom make ends meet...an eight -year-old son of a University professor selling candies and bananas. The world was foreign to me after the communists took over South Vietnam. I was totally happy that I was able to help make money to survive. I never thought of it as a chore. But what I wondered in my little mind was what happened and why were things so different. We were poor before the communist came but not like that. Suddenly, we had to eat rice mixed with either corn or yucca, or sweet potato. And there was so little to eat, too. The world turned up side down. The old world that I belonged to disappeared.

Then, we escaped. In the U.S., everything was completely new. Even though we had to struggle for a long, long time, it was still heaven. Regardless of how poor we were, we never had to worry about not having enough food or clothes. But it has not been the same. Everywhere we turn, people look different, and they look at us differently. Many of the days of my high school years, having lunch at school was not peaceful. A lot of times, the other kids loved to throw food and milk at us. Sometimes, I found myself standing in the middle of a whole bunch of kids fighting. Sometimes, while walking home, kids from the school bus would spit at me or laugh at me. They thought we lived in little huts in some rice fields or some jungles somewhere. The world was very different for me. I just finished sixth grade in my country, so jumping into high school was a huge change. On top of that, school was not a friendly place. On top of that, I had to work some to help my family.

I showed them, though. I graduated number one in my class. They were not laughing then. But, I still never could feel belonged. Then, I realized I was gay, not just different; I was gay. The world, again, changed. And, from then, my life became a whirlwind...one that was mainly created by fear, by ME.

So, I never feel belonged. Even if the communists are gone in my country, I still don't want to go back and live in Vietnam. It has been changed. The people there are way different. Because of their struggles to survive, a lot of them just care about how much money you will give them. A lot of them have mentalities that are strange to me. I don't belong there any more. I don't want to go back there. I want to preserve the memories that have of my country.

Yet, I don't feel belonged here either. Patients still call my office and ask if I speak English. Neighbors still ask if we own some nail salons.

On top of that, I am gay. How can a gay man feel belonged?

Well, one good thing is that these are just my reflections. It's been a long, long time since I yearn to live in Vietnam. I'm very thankful I am where I am. And I have realized that there are a lot of nice Americans, too. If some of them don't like to be around me, let that be their problem. And, I love me as a gay man. I thank God that I am at peace with that.

So, on a peaceful day like today, I thank God that I live in a free country. I thank God I don't have to feel belonged to be happy. I thank God for my family, my boyfriend Jim, and all of my friends.

...

"What did you say, Dear Confucius?"

"Feelean beenong eez zust eng hallu-cing-na-cheong! Geg duh elle out off jour goom eng loo jome ting!"

:)

I Am Having a Fight with My Confucius

I had a nightmare last night!

In it, I was told I had to repeat school. Now, to me, that's horrible! I hated school! I finished it, but I hated it.

I didn't hate it because it was uninteresting or difficult. I hated it because of the pressure. Actually, I did it to myself. I had a very bad study habit. I rarely showed up to class and never failed to leave the studying to the night before the exam. This was in my undergrad years. I blamed it to my working full-time while in school. But, it was my laziness. Then, in med school when I did not work that much, I also skipped class and waited until the last few days before the exams to study. Well, this was dangerous. My adrenaline was at the utmost during exam time...so much pressure. But, I kept on repeating the pattern. I blamed it to my somewhat depressive mood from having to constantly worry about hiding my sexual orientation from other people...But, I was so lazy, too.

Anyway, because of all this pressure, I have often had dreams in which I have to take some stupid courses to finish my Bachelor degree. And, in these dreams, I didn't go to class and didn't study. I never graduated. I often experienced so much pressure and woke up tired. Last night, I had the same type of dreams. In my dream, I was supposed to learn something, but I did not finish the class.

When I woke up, I was so tired but relieved that it was only a dream. But, what did my subconscious try to tell me? What did the dream mean? What was I supposed to learn? What was the lesson to be learned?

Well, I woke up late, so I had to hurry up for church. After church, my sister and I went to Michaels to by some silk flowers to make a center piece arrangement to put on top of the kitchen curio. Before my parents went off on vacation, my mom wanted me to buy a silk flower arrangement from Silkflowers.com. I bought several from them before but only liked one. They always look nicer in the pictures than in real life. And, they are so expensive, too. With shipping and handling, a decent medium-size arrangement is about $400.

So, I was determined to do it myself. How hard can it be? I can do a lot of things if I want to. This shouldn't be different. So, at Michaels, my sister and I picked out a whole bunch of flowers and leaves. Wow, they looked very real. Even my lesbian sister who never had any interest in flowers (she's not at all butchy...lol) was impressed.

I was not impressed, however. Damn, it cost me over $200! We both left the store laughing. "I better make it look good!" Well, I did it. I like it, and my sister likes it, too. But, it's too big for the curio. No problem, it looks fine in front of the fireplace. Whew!

So, was this what my dream was telling me to learn? to arrange flowers?...???

I'm not sure. I have to ask my Confucius.

"Dear Confucius, what is the lesson I am supposed to learn?"

"Orduhr duh Gog Tem fower fom inc-tuh-neg!"

"But, Dear Confucius, ordering flowers from the internet costs so much. And, my arrangement looks good, too."

"Nook nike jit!"

"Looks like what?"

"JIT!"

"Would you be happy if I put a lotus flower in a bowl with a coi fish? Maybe...some bamboo shoots...and a Panda, too?"

Duck

Another hard day at work!

I didn't have any time for lunch today. I didn't even have time to pee until the end of the day. I left the office at around 6:30pm and didn't get home until 7:30pm.

After dinner, I had to transplant a camelia bush. I have had enough experience to know that its roots were probably soaked with water. I replaced it with a hydrangea, which likes water. Hopefully, the camelia won't die. This one had really beautiful flowers.

I then watered the patio and balcony flowers and plants. Then, I cleaned the bird cages and fed the birds. I hated doing this while knowing there was a whole bunch of paperwork awaited me.

It is on these over-worked days that I feel it's a curse I put onto myself having these birds. I constantly have to change the cages, vacuum the floor, and feed them. GRRRRR.....

They look cute, but their poops are not at all cute. What am I going to do with them?

I have to consult with my Confucius.

"Dear Confucius, what am I to do with my canaries?"

"Teep fry tem, mee sjweet jild."

"No, no, dear Confucius. They are neither quails nor pigeons. They are very tiny to deep fry."

"Pig-chong Jy-leese jame jize cang-nah-ree A-mar-ree-cang!"

"How about a duck, instead?"

"Mee jild, mee berry ole, no fook, no cang fook!"

Clairvoyant

I think I am clairvoyant. So many times I have guessed things correctly. Multiple times, I even correctly guessed what my closed friend was wearing and eating while talking on the phones. I remember when she intentionally tested me, it didn't work. But when I suddenly saw things in my mind and confirmed with her, they were, a lot of times, correct. She got scared sometimes.

Last night, I saw my paternal grandmother in my dream. She and I were traveling in North Vietnam, and she was searching for a prophecy pamphlet which said that there would soon be a big earthquake in one of the large cities in China. Somehow, Thailand will be affected. I have a strong feeling this will happen.

Jim doesn't believe I am clairvoyant, though.

I'm going to prove to Jim and you RIGHT now.

I see that Jim is on his way home. He will come with a gift and a big hug and will confess to how much he loves and misses me. I see that I will give him a BIG hug and kiss!

I know what you're thinking, and, NO, I'm not all that crazy, just a little bit.

No, I'm clairvoyant, not flamboyant...You're so mean!

Yes, I'm sexy...So are you!

LOL!!!